New Year's

New Year's has never been my favorite holiday.  I always felt pressure to do something big, and then felt like a loser when I didn't have big plans.  And as a glass half-empty type person, I never looked at a new year as a new start.  Instead, I tended to focus on what I hadn't accomplished in the year before, and lamented that I probably wouldn't accomplish my goals in the coming year.

As I've gotten older, not having big plans hasn't bothered me nearly as much.  Last year, being on bedrest, we didn't do anything exciting.  We hung out on the couch, watched YouTube videos (my favorites were the news bloopers), and were probably asleep before 10.  The year before wasn't much different...though I think that year I woke up just before midnight to get my midnight kiss.  Even though the lack of plans bothers me less, I still find New Year's to be a rather depressing holiday.

The last couple years have been especially tough.  In 2012, Tim and I were engaged and expecting Brady.  I sent out New Year's cards for 2013 that said "The Best is Yet to Come."  Then in 2013 we lost Brady and we lost my mom.  So for 2013 holiday cards, I was hesitant to send out anything too optimistic.  At the end of 2013 we were expecting again, but I had just been put on bedrest, and was not quite to a point where the baby could be born without major problems.  So I was pretty hesitant to get too optimistic about 2014.  As 2014 moved along, though, things started looking up.  We made it to 28 weeks, 32 weeks, and even 36 weeks with a healthy, growing baby.  We celebrated Brady's birthday by decorating his grave, and I missed having my mom around, but things were going pretty well.  Then on April 14, we met our perfect baby boy.  I finally started to think that maybe 2014 would be our year.

Unfortunately, we all know how 2014 turned out.  Although I could focus on the bad (and some days I certainly do), I can't say that 2014 was a bad year.  It was the year we got to meet our baby boy.  It was the year we got to cuddle Henry, and watch him grow.  We got to take Henry to the pumpkin patch, to the library, and even just to the grocery store.  He was in his uncle's wedding, and he got to swim in the ocean (in mommy and daddy's arms.)  So although his death is definitely a defining moment of 2014, it's not the only moment of importance.  As we look forward to 2015, we look forward to honoring and remembering both of our boys...some things we have in the works and some will come as the year goes by.  So although I still am not a fan of New Year's, I'm going to spend time with my husband and my fur babies, and pretend like it's just another day.