Bucket list

I've seen a post floating around Facebook lately that asks you to go through a bucket list and check things that you've done. I stopped reading after the fourth thing down...watched someone die. I guess I'm not sure how that is a bucket list item. I watched my grandma as she was dying (though I wasn't there when she died), I watched my mom die, and, of course, I held Henry as he died. I am thankful I could be there, hold my mom's hand, snuggle my baby boy, but it is definitely not something I would ever aspire to do!

I do, though, have things on my bucket list. I want to take photography journeys to more of our national parks. I want to visit Greece. I want to see Alaska, and go back to Hawaii. I would love to learn to play the fiddle (though I don't know that I'll ever accomplish that!) I'd like to learn to make something...crocheting, knitting, quilting...something along those lines. I want to visit the Gettysburg battlefield. I want to zip line through a jungle. I'd love to publish a book. I even kind of want to go back to school (once I have a thought of what I'd like to learn...)

I suppose in its essence a bucket list is rather morose...a list of things to do before we kick the bucket so to speak. But it also gives us goals, motivation to keep moving forward. However, even if I died tomorrow (not that I'm planning to!) without accomplishing anything more on my list, I would still feel as though I have lived, and continue to live, a pretty good life. I've gotten to grow up in small town USA, live free as a young single woman, marry the man that exceeded my wildest dreams, to travel to some pretty amazing places including Ireland and Hawaii, have a dream job where I get to share books and technology every day, experience the joys and tribulations of pregnancy and motherhood, and adopt some pretty amazing (and pretty crazy) pets. I still have some things on my list, but I certainly can't complain about the life I've lived thus far.

Memories

I don't typically post twice in one day, but I am so excited to share these I just couldn't wait!!  Before Henry was ever born, I decided I wanted to someday make a quilt with some of his onesies.  I love the idea of t-shirt quilts, and thought this would be a fun way to preserve some baby memories.  When Henry passed away, I wanted to make sure that it happened.  Tim and I went through Henry's clothes, and picked out a stack of onesies that brought back memories, that memorialized our monster, or that were just our favorites.  Then we asked Grandma Dawn if she knew anyone that could put these together for us into a quilt keepsake.  Grandma Dawn herself took on the challenge, and we couldn't be happier with the results!!  Now we have the treasured keepsake I hoped for, and it's even one that we can cuddle up with.  I've shared pictures of Henry in many of these onesies, and now we have the onesies preserved in this beautiful work of art.  THANK YOU Grandma Dawn, for the time and the love you put into this...we LOVE it!

I Wish You More

It's Book Fair week at school this week, which means a few things.  It means that my work days are absolutely crazy.  It means that the kids are super excited.  It means that I have to be sociable beyond the school day, with parents, students, and teachers.  It also means that I have a lot of new books to look at!  My stack of "wish list" books gets taller every day, as I keep finding new books I hadn't seen the first twenty times around the book fair (shhhh...don't tell Tim!) 

One of the books that I found on one of my walk-arounds, and absolutely fell in love with, is I Wish You More by Amy Krouse Rosenthal and Tom Lichtenheld.  In this book, the author wishes you "more ups than downs," "more hugs than ughs," and "more bubbles than bath."  In the end, she says she wishes all of this for you, "because you are everything I could wish for...and more."  As I read these last couple of pages, my eyes teared up as I immediately thought of my boys.

Both times, when we got pregnant, we had a lot of wishes.  We wished for a safe and healthy pregnancy.  We wished for a healthy baby.  We wished for the skills and knowledge to keep a baby healthy and happy.  We wished for patience with each other as we navigated the new territory of parenthood.  When Brady was born, we wished for the strength to carry on.  We wished for the courage to say his name and share his story.  We wished for our marriage to strengthen and for the ability to grieve together rather than grow apart.  When Henry was born, we wished for (and got!) a happy and healthy baby.  In the early days, we wished for sleep.  We wished for the opportunity to take him places and do things with him.  We always wished for more time together.  When Henry got sick, we wished and prayed that he would get better.  We wished for wisdom for the doctors and nurses who cared for him.  And when he died, we once again wished for the strength to carry on, and we wished to be able to carry out his legacy.

Even (or especially) since losing our boys, we still have wishes.  We wish to have more children, and we wish long, healthy lives for any that we may be blessed with.  We wish to continue enjoying a strong, loving marriage.  We wish to feel purposeful in life...as individuals, as a couple, and as parents.  We wish to keep A Monster's Mission going strong...to keep raising awareness for the need for specialized research for pediatric cancer, and to use Henry's story to touch lives and bring joy to others.  We wish joy and happiness for all that follow our story.  We wish that other parents will never know the pain of losing a child, but we also wish to be a resource for those that do experience such a tragic loss.  We wish all of these things because our boys give use the strength to do so, and they most definitely are everything we could wish for, and more.

Wonders and Dreams

Tonight Tim and I were enjoying some fine dining at our local Hy-Vee (it's hard to beat getting 10 cents off in Fuel Saver just for eating some tasty Chinese food...) when we ran into our dentist, and his two-year-old grandson named Henry.  This Henry was a sweet little blond boy, and he seemed quite happy to be hanging out with his grandpa.  As we watched them walk away, I realized that this Henry must have been born not that much earlier than our Henry.  It blew my mind a bit to realize that were Henry still with us, he could be walking around Hy-Vee with us, talking a bit (some that we might understand, much of which we wouldn't), and, of course, still making people smile.

Sometimes, it seems like a whole different life in which we had Henry, and Brady, with us.  Other times, it seems like it was just yesterday.  When I hold a baby that is anywhere between newborn and six months, it feels like yesterday.  When I see a two year old toddling around the store, it seems like another lifetime.  We're coming up on Brady's third birthday next month...and Henry's second birthday the following month.  When I think of it that way, it's hard to wrap my head around it.  I held my soon-to-be three year old in my arms for probably about an hour.  And I had the privilege of loving on my soon-to-be two year old for six months.  But those are all the earthly memories I have of my two oldest boys.  Never will I create memories of watching Henry toddle around the store, or of Brady meeting his younger brother.  Never will I send either of them off to kindergarten, high school, college.  I won't see either of them walk down the aisle, or welcome their own children.

When I think of it like that, it's enough to send me down that dark hole.  It's okay to miss making those memories, but then I have to remind myself of how lucky I am that I was chosen to be Brady's and Henry's mama.  I got to feel both of them grow and kick around inside me.  I got to hold them both in my arms.  I got to cherish all of the little moments.  And I will never see them get hurt, or have their heart broken.  Even better, how many moms can truthfully say that their children are perfect?  I can say that in complete honesty.  Of course, I would have loved to see them grow and develop and learn.  But instead, they are in the most perfect place, playing together, while they wait for us to someday join them.  And one day, perhaps (hopefully) not too far in the future, they will not only watch over mom and dad, but a new sibling as well.

Hulk Smash

It's been said to us so many times in so many ways...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...God doesn't give you more than you can handle...adversity brings out your strengths.  With nearly everything that people say, I fully understand where they are coming from...I know that it comes from a place of caring.  However, I wonder how much stronger I can possibly get.  I feel that at this point, if I become any stronger I'll turn into the Hulk.  And we all know how the Hulk gets when he gets angry.

And I am angry.  There are so many things in my life currently that are not within my control.  And that's difficult for someone who likes to be IN control.  I like to control my emotions, the timing of things in my life.  And lately, I am not in control of these things.  I can go from just fine to tears in seconds, and with no warning.  My temper flares over just about nothing.  My fuse is almost nonexistent. 

Yet, I put on a smile and go about my business because that's what I do.  Outwardly, it looks like I have everything under control.  Outwardly, it looks as though I am strong...as though I am coping appropriately.  All of this, while inside I feel like I'm crumbling.  I want to crawl in a hole...I want to hide in a blanket fort...I want to hide out until everything is settled and I am once more in control.  But being an adult doesn't allow that.  So I'll keep on putting a smile on my face, going about my business and my life, until that day when the smile is genuine and I feel more in control...until I no longer fear that the Hulk within me will make an unexpected appearance.

A visit from Henry

Henry doesn't visit me often in my dreams. I think there have only been one or two since he passed that I remember. Last night, he visited again. 

We were on vacation, I'm not sure exactly where but it was somewhere by an ocean. We got all settled in to our rental house, and Tim and I went back out to get the rest of our luggage. When I opened the back passenger door, I found Henry laying on the floor, with his pacifier and a nearly-empty bottle next to him. We had left him laying there the entire time we were settling in to the house! I immediately scooped him up and hugged him tight. On the way in to the house, I stopped so Henry could see the ocean. His face lit up as he saw the waves crashing in. I grabbed my phone to take a selfie, to capture the joy on his face. From there we went inside, and I took him into our room to get him cleaned up. I pulled the necessary items from the diaper bag...diaper, wipes, but I couldn't find diaper cream. I was worried that he had been stuck in a dirty diaper too long and it might have irritated his skin! I searched and searched, but couldn't find it, so I went ahead and changed him without any cream.

It's funny how the emotions of dreams stick with you long after you wake up. I still feel the panic of realizing we had forgotten Henry, the peace and joy as I saw the glow on Henry's face, and the desire to make sure he was okay.

I feel like this was Henry reassuring me that I will never forget him, and that he is safe and happy. He knew I was having a bit of a rough time lately, and chose his moment to visit to show me that not only is he okay, but that I will be okay as well. My baby continues to take care of and inspire me.

Because of You

Last night at our support group, a poem called "Because of You" was read. (If you are interested, here is a link to the poem: http://www.irisremembers.com/poemsandstories/viewPoem.cfm?poemID=36). It inspired me to write my own version...

Because I lost you, my days are a bit darker.

Because I lost you, I cry more tears.
Because I lost you, my heart hurts.

Because I lost you, it's sometimes hard to get out of bed in the morning.

Because I lost you, I find myself becoming angry more often.

Because I lost you, I become anxious in social situations.
Because I lost you, I often have trouble focusing on tasks at hand.
Because I lost you, I find myself constantly tired and stressed.
Because I lost you, I have had to re-find myself and my purpose in life.

HOWEVER...

Because I LOVE you, I appreciate the little things.
Because I LOVE you, I have gained a much more positive outlook on life.
Because I LOVE you, I have learned the true definition of strength and perseverance.
Because I LOVE you, the love and strength of my marriage will never be doubted.
Because I LOVE you, I have found the good in the world.
Because I LOVE you, I have learned what is truly important in life.
Because I LOVE you, I have found strength within myself to carry on.
Because I LOVE you, I have learned there is power in a smile.
Because I LOVE you, I want to make the world a better place.
Because I LOVE you, I have learned to be patient with others.
Because I LOVE you, I have learned the power of compassion.
Because I LOVE you, I am proud to share your story and your legacy.
Because I LOVE you, I know what a blessing it is to be a mother.
Because I LOVE you, I have a hero that I will always admire.
Because I LOVE you, I have an angel always looking out for me.
Because I LOVE you, I have hope for the future.

Snow Days

One of the absolute best things about being a teacher (I mean, besides molding the youth and future of our world of course) is snow days. There is nothing like getting that call saying you don't have to come to school. One of my students tried to argue with me Monday that there is no way teachers are more excited for snow days than students. However, this student was dead wrong. And for me, snow days are even better because Tim gets to stay home too!

For me, snow days are an excuse to be completely lazy. Yes, I could catch up on housework, or school work for that matter. I could work on projects that are on my list. I could, at the very least, change out of my pajamas. But seeing as though I had already designated snow days for work, I don't feel like I need to be productive. These last two days, I read a book and a half (even if one was an elementary age novel) and watched a season and a half of Netflix shows. I also took a nap and snuggled the heck out of the puppies.

As much as I love snow days (and I do!) it still was a little hard seeing so many pictures of friends taking advantage of the extra time with their kids. Every sledding or snowman picture made me wish I could have taken Henry out to play. I have a feeling he and Sebastian would have enjoyed romping around together in the snow. I wish we would've been able to come in, warm up by the fire with a cup of hot (or in his case, lukewarm) chocolate. I wish I would have been trying to keep his little fingers out of the cupcake batter. Snow days definitely would look different with a little one!!

As hard as it sometimes is to see these pictures, it also makes me smile. It means that my friends are taking advantage of the extra time and spending it with their kids. It means they are making memories that will last forever. It means that these kids will grow up remembering the smiles and laughs that come with playing in the snow. Keep making those memories, and treasuring those moments. I will do the same, as our three crazy fur babies give me reasons every day to smile.