Happy Birthday Brady!

Happy birthday Brady! We love your forever. Make sure your little brother is extra nice to you today!! 😇🎂🎈🎉

Community

I posted this on our Facebook page a couple days ago, but I forgot to post it here!!

We are so lucky to live in such a great community. Yesterday in the mail, we got a hand-addressed envelope from the City of Papillion. Wondering what in the world it could be, I opened it to find a letter from Mayor Black, the mayor of Papillion, congratulating us on the Heroes of the Heartland award and thanking us for allowing the community to be a part of Henry's story.

Then tonight, Tim and I, being lazy, decided we were too tired to cook dinner. We had some coupons to Qdoba, so that decided it for us! I happened to be wearing my Sammy's Superheroes t-shirt, and Angel, our cashier, commented on it. That prompted me to ask her if she happened to follow A Monster's Mission, and she said she did. When Tim told her that we were A Monster's Mission, she was so excited! She told us that she admired us and what we do. It may not seem like much, but it brought such a smile to my face! Here is this young lady, with I'm sure plenty going on in her own life, and she takes time to follow stories like ours and Sammy's. On the way out, we handed her one of our new bracelets, and she gave me a hug and said again how much she admired us. 

We love interactions like this...it means Henry is living on and continuing to touch lives. Again, it seems so simple, but to us it means the world, and it's another reminder that the simplest of gestures can make the biggest difference to any one person. So thank you Mayor Black, and thank you Angel, for taking the time to share with us!

Real Talk

All right, guys...here's some real talk.  I have been in a complete and total funk these last couple days.  I have been unusually cranky and grumpy...constantly either on the verge of tears or an outburst of anger.  At first, I thought it was just the back-from-vacation let down...the back to reality blues.  And I certainly think that's part of it.  But the bigger part, I realized the other day, is that we are gearing up to celebrate our first born's third birthday this weekend.  That's right...THREE years ago, our oldest son Brady was born and passed away on the same day.  We should be planning a party...I should be in full panic mode trying to make sure the house is presentable and all the details are taken care of...a theme appropriate for a three-year-old boy should be in place.  Instead, we're ordering flowers for his grave site.  I'm not out shopping for the latest and greatest toy, but rather trying to decide what book to take to read to him at the cemetery.  That's not exactly your normal birthday party planning, and I'm pretty sure that is much of what has me down in the dumps.

Add on to that uncertainty in other areas of my life...work stress...getting pregnant stress...I guess it's no wonder I'm a little grumpy! I almost feel as though I'm at a crossroads, but I can only see what's behind me.  Everything in front of me is just a fog.  And I don't know about you, but not being able to see clearly drives me nuts!!

What I'm trying to do, to dig myself out of the dumps, is to find reasons to smile.  Like yesterday, I asked the dogs of they were hungry (because yes, I talk to my dogs as though they're people) and Charlie hopped around and howled in his tiny chihuahua body-shaking "howl".  I laugh at Bruce Banner, the hamster, who has piled much of his bedding under his wheel, where he now prefers to snooze.  I smile as I find myself actually engrossed in a book for the first time in quite awhile. I giggle as my DVR fills up with sports documentaries that my sister got me hooked on.

To sum up...yes I'm down in the dumps.  No, I don't plan to stay down here forever.  Yes, I still have many reasons to smile and be happy and grateful.  And, even though I often have to remind myself, it's OKAY to feel this way.  Not every day is filled with rainbows and butterflies, but that's life.  So I'll sulk my way through this funk, and hopefully will soon find myself out the other side.

To the young mama

To the young mom sitting across from me at the airport,

I'm sorry if I keep glancing over. I'm sure you wonder why this creepy lady keeps staring at you and your sweet baby boy. I assure you, I mean no harm. Rather, I appreciate the love you have for your son...it radiates from your being. You aren't frazzled by the process of traveling with an infant, but rather you appear to be cherishing the time you have together. I watch as you put his needs first above your own...trying several times to eat a snack, but attending to his needs instead...making faces with him and playing with him...feeding him and changing diapers.

I was once a mama like you, traveling with my little baby boy. Although I was not on my own in the airport...how brave of you! I worried about the looks we'd get...people worried that Henry, our sweet little monster, would cry through the flight. But I needn't have worried...Henry was a perfect gentleman just like your little boy. He enjoyed the new sights and sounds, and fell asleep as soon as the plane took off. I think Henry, like your boy, knew he was safe and loved with his mama and daddy.

How lucky these precious babies are...that have mamas and daddies that do nothing but love them and care for them. And how lucky are we mamas and daddies, to be given the blessing of caring for these little ones. We never know how long we have, so you appear to be doing everything exactly right...loving and caring...and cherishing...making sure that baby boy knows he is safe and secure and, most importantly, loved. Keep it up, mama, and enjoy that sweet baby boy.

Yours Truly,

The Creeper Lady across the aisle

Life as a Twister

Last night I had a dream...or maybe a bit more of a nightmare.  I dreamed that I was at home by myself, waiting for my family to call and let me know where to meet them for dinner.  As I was puttering around the house, doing little chores, I walked over to the sink to work on some dishes.  By the time I got to the sink, I could feel a change in the air, and looking outside the weather was pretty nasty.  Before I could take more than a couple steps toward the basement, I was sucked up into what I assume was a tornado.  As I swirled around, I looked for the dogs and could only see Sebastian.  So I reached out for him (as he reached his paws out toward me) and pulled him in tight.  There I was, clutching one of my dogs, swirling around in a twister.  You might assume that I was feeling panicked...but I wasn't.  I was definitely anxious, wondering what would end up happening, but I closed my eyes, breathed deeply...and then I woke up.  (Still very tense and hugging myself tightly, although Sebastian was not actually in my arms.)

I feel like this dream is a metaphor for my life as it stands currently.  There is so much up in the air...we're trying to get pregnant but haven't yet, and we aren't sure what the next step is (that comes next month if we fail to conceive)...and a couple other things that are undecided for the future but that I'm not currently at liberty to discuss (having nothing to do with pregnancy or our marriage!)...okay, it's mostly just those few things.  But to be fair, those are some pretty major life-changing events.  And, by nature, I am a worrier.  I have been worrying for nearly a year now about when we will get pregnant...and how it will all play out...and if I will end up on bedrest...and how will I deal emotionally when asked if this is my first pregnancy and when I answer no, followed up with how many kids do we have...  I don't worry about this every second of every day, and it doesn't even bother me every day.  But it is always in the back of my mind, no matter how much I try to put it aside.  I've also been worrying about other changes in my life lately...then I tell myself to take it one day at a time, which works momentarily, but then my mind starts to wander and wonder once again.

Although I was up in a twister (in my dream), I was not panicking.  Sure, I was a bit anxious, but who wouldn't be?!  I believe that what I need to take from this is to just keep breathing (although probably with my eyes open, since if I closed them I'd be asleep in seconds), and trust that everything will work out for the best.  It's hard...being a control freak, and trying to be okay with not being in control.  I want to know what exactly is going to happen, when exactly it will happen, and how exactly it will happen.  But life is most definitely not like that.  It's hard...as I use envisioning my future sometimes to cheer myself up or calm myself down...and I can't exactly envision what my near future holds.  So instead, I need to breathe deeply, tell myself it will all work out, have faith, and in the moments when I feel myself start to spiral out of control I need to lean on those around me for support and strength.  (Consider that your warning, family and friends...you never know when this crazy lady will be leaning on you!!  But thank you in advance for helping to keep me upright!)

A Letter to the Old Me

Over the weekend I read a post from one of the sites I follow in which a grieving mother wrote a letter to both her old self and her future self.  I thought that might be a good exercise for me and wanted to give it a try.  So here is my letter to the old me.

Dear Old Erin,

Life is crazy...unpredictable...a roller coaster.  Sometimes you're at the top of the hill, and sometimes you feel like you're buried fifty feet under it.  Life can be hard, and life can be good...and sometimes it can be both at the same time.  Sometimes you will find yourself laughing through tears...or even laughing so hard you cry.

Don't sweat the small stuff.  Seriously.  There are so many hard things that can happen in life that you need to save your worrying energy for those things.  So you burned the grilled cheese...big deal.  So your dog peed on your shoe just as you were ready to walk out the door...gross, but not the end of the world.  So your job isn't perfectly pleasant 100% of the time...at least you have one.  You will have big things to worry about...break-ups, deaths, job changes, moves...so save your energy for those.

While you're busy not sweating the small stuff, make sure you do take time to smell the flowers, so to speak.  Enjoy those sunrises, even if you'd rather still be in bed.  Savor those baby snuggles, even if it's 3 in the morning...and the fourth time tonight.  Those babies won't stay babies forever.  Take time to listen to the stories your grandparents have to tell, even if you've heard those stories hundreds of times!  Before long, they won't be here to share those stories.  Ask your parents to share stories of your childhood...of the items they've saved...of family mementos...of photos.  And you can always, literally, take time to smell the flowers.  Unless you're allergic...then maybe don't smell the flowers.

Cherish the people in your life. As I said before, life is unpredictable.  We don't know how long we'll be around, or how long anyone in our life will be around.  I have lost a grandmother who turned 90 before she died, my 70 year old mother, but also my 7 month old son and my son who wasn't even full term.  We never know.  Say I love you.  Tell people you care.  Even better, SHOW people you care.  Smile.  Give hugs.  Bring someone a coffee or chocolate if you know they're having a rough day.  It doesn't hurt you at all, and it will brighten someone else's day.

Finally, take the time for YOU.  Sometimes you need a moment...or a day...or a week...take it.  Get the massage you've been talking about for months.  Treat yourself to a nice dinner.  Allow yourself to sit in the sunshine and simply be.  Take a break from taking care of everyone else and be sure to take care of you.

It may be a rough ride, but I know you can do it.  No matter what life throws at you, keep on keeping on.  Don't lose hope...don't lose faith.  One day your dreams WILL become your reality.  One day you will understand what ever trial and tribulation was for.  Maybe not until you've passed from this world, but someday it will all make sense.  We've made it this far...there's no telling what we can do from here!

Lots of love,
Current Erin

Some Days

Some days are easier...some days are harder. Some days I feel content with my life as it is now...some days I feel restless and empty. Some days I love looking at baby clothes and dreaming...some days it makes my heart physically hurt just to walk by the baby section. Some days I wake up on the right side of the bed...some days I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Some days I feel motivated and successful at work...some days I wonder why they haven't fired me yet. Some days my students make me smile...some days they make me want to scream. 

Today is one of those days...restless and empty...a little bit harder, though certainly not one of my worst...I didn't necessarily wake up on the wrong side of the bed, but I didn't exactly wake up on the right side either (although that's perhaps because ALL three dogs decided they should snuggle mama this morning...pinning me in place.) I have to remind myself that days like this are normal...okay even. I don't always have to feel happy...ready to take on the world. Even before losing our babies I had days like today.

Instead of wallowing, I'm going to once again find positives to get me through the day. I get to see my dad and cousins today. We may not see each other often, but we always have fun when we do. In less than a week I will be on my way to see my sister in California, and will finish out spring break hanging with my pups at home. I will get meal planning and grocery list writing done, so we have food to eat and Tim will be taken care of while I'm gone. (Not that he can't take care of himself...I'm just trying to be helpful!) I'll catch up on some episodes of Weeds on Netflix, and maybe an episode or two of House of Cards. And I will enjoy the puppy snuggles I am currently getting...one on each side and one on my lap! So no, I may not be 100% happy, but I'm also not stuck in that deep dark hole. Nope...today I'm just a normal, average, everyday human. 

Heroes in the Heartland

On Wednesday, Tim and I were among those honored at the American Red Cross Heroes in the Heartland luncheon.  We were recognized for our work with the blood drive, and for working to raise awareness for the need to donate blood.  We were quite honored and humbled to receive this award, but it was even more rewarding that we got to share Henry's story with the hundreds in attendance.  Some had heard of our story, and it was new to others.  By the time our video finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the house, as my dad put it. 

It's a strange feeling...being honored as a "hero."  I still have a hard time with that - I don't necessarily see myself as a hero.  To me, it was just find the good in the world or fall apart...and while falling apart often seems like the easier option, I don't feel like that would honor Henry or Brady.  Brady and Henry had a purpose in their incredibly short time here with us, and that was to make us better people, and to help us to pass that on to others.  The blood drive came up shortly after Henry died, and it seemed like something we were meant to do.  Henry's first night in the hospital, his white blood count was nearly 500,000.  Through blood exchanges, that blood count dropped nearly in half overnight.  Throughout his stay, he received many transfusions of platelets and blood products.  Although these blood products did not save his life, they did prolong it, and gave us time to process and be with him.  Had he not received any of those blood products, he probably would have died that first night.  And that's why we're so passionate about the blood drive...why we post about it so often on Facebook and bug all our friends and family...blood is precious - it can save a life, or, at the very least, it can give a family more time.  And we know how precious time is.

Thank you to the Red Cross, for allowing us to share Henry's story with the world.  Thank you to everyone who has supported us in this journey.  Thank you to every single person who has ever donated blood.  If you are able, please consider donating.  We would love to see you at our blood drive - APRIL 16!  Even if you aren't able to donate, feel free to stop by and say hi...we're using our blood drive this year to help us celebrate Henry's second birthday.  And in the meantime, take a moment to watch this version of Henry's story...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFc2_dWY31c&list=PLR_f8LhaVz3kKSGVaT_GwyjqjYRC_adjj&index=6

Ramblings...

I've been wanting to write for the last couple days, but I keep staring at a blank page without the words coming to me. So tonight I decided I'd open a blank page, start typing whatever is on my mind, and see where it takes me. Consider yourself warned!!

On Friday night, Henry's most recent news story aired on WOWT, our Omaha area NBC affiliate. We'd spent about an hour talking with Matt Smith, and sent him a stack of pictures, but we didn't know quite how it would all come together. We watched it Friday night, in the middle of a House of Cards viewing party, and tears came to the eyes of all four of us in the room. After the story aired, and sharing it on Facebook, we received so many heartwarming comments and messages. As parents, we love telling Henry's story, even the sad parts as those too are part of Henry's life. We also love sharing that story...whether in a conversation, and article, an interview or a news story. All parents want to brag on their children, and we are certainly no different! 

As we share our story, it also reminds us of the strength we have...the strength of our marriage, the strength of our commitment to spread Henry's joy and love, and, honestly, the strength we have to get out of bed every day and keep living. As time passes, it takes slightly less strength to simply carry on, but as any parent who has lost a child can tell you it does take tremendous strength to find the will to go on. It's okay that days are tough...it's okay that we don't always feel strong...it's okay that there are tears...it's okay that we continue to grieve. It's also okay that we smile...it's okay when we feel happy...it's okay that we continue to hope for the future. 

We continue to be thankful for everyone who follows our story and A Monster's Mission...whether you have been with us from the beginning or have recently come across our page. Thank you for letting us share our little monster with you.

Gratitude

I am feeling extra cranky, and just down, this morning. So instead of wallowing in my mood, I decided to share some thins that I am grateful for, in hopes that it may brighten my spirits a bit. Thank you in advance for indulging my efforts :)

1. My husband-I truly can't brag on him enough. As if putting up with me on a good day isn't trying enough, he continues to love me and tolerate my crazy moods through hormone- and grief-induced fits.  Our three-year anniversary is coming up next week, and although sometimes it seems more like a hundred years, I can't imagine anyone better to spend my life with.

2. My animals-My pups will snuggle with me at any time of the day or night (except perhaps dinner time!) and they love me without any judgment. Even Bruce Banner, the hamster, brings a smile to my face. He's fun to watch...climbing the sides of his cage, or running on the TOP of his wheel.

3.  My family-We may not see or talk to each other every day, but I know that I have the unconditional love and support of my family, which also includes Tim's family.  It's been a rough few years, and they have been beside us every step of the way.  And a bonus...my sister has never turned me down when I text her asking if I can come visit!  I am California-bound in just a couple weeks for some much needed sister-time therapy.  :)

4.  My work place-The staff I work with make all of my bad days at least a little bit better.  Not only do they let me talk about Henry and Brady to my heart's content and check in on me when I'm down, but they also leave treats to brighten my day!  Yesterday I found a bag of Brach's Jelly Bird Eggs in my mailbox...which just happen to be my favorite seasonal candy ever!

5.  A Monster's Mission-Our Facebook page and blog has provided me with a place to vent, to share, and to inform.  And our work through A Monster's Mission...the Cure Search walk, Twelve Days of Giving, childhood cancer awareness events, the blood drive...has helped me to keep a positive outlook on life in general.  We are also currently working to grow just a tad bit - not huge, as it's never been our goal to become a dominating non-profit..but enough to be able to keep doing the things that are important to us.

Sometimes, I do have to take the time to list things I have to be grateful for...when the grief, anger and sadness is threatening to engulf my whole being.  Even just a quick exercise such as this, while it doesn't entirely erase the negative feelings, it does remind me that there are things in my life worth smiling about.  That's my challenge to you on this lovely Friday...find something, anything, no matter how trivial or how amazing, to smile about.  TGIF!!