Grief

Grief is hard.  Grief is work.  Grief never ends.  Grief is confusing...it makes me feel weak, yet it has also made me strong - stronger than I thought possible.  Grief is sneaky...sometimes hitting you when you least expect it.

As we come upon two years, I expect this time of year to be hard.  Throughout most of the rest of the year, I can go about my life, enjoying things, enjoying people.  Sure, there are still tough days...birthdays...holidays...random days when memories pop into my head.  But overall, I feel like a normal human being.  This time of year, I feel nothing like a normal human being.  I don't especially want to interact with people, but I don't especially want to be alone with my thoughts either.  I don't want to go to work, but I have no motivation to do anything at home.  I have a hard time focusing on anything...chores, reading, TV shows, to-do lists.  In fact, it feels almost as though I have been transported back two years, and those feelings are the ones I'm feeling again.

And that's the nature of grief.  You can go along through life feeling just fine until BAM, a memory surfaces or a date rolls around.  I understand that, and I know that, but I don't like it!  I also know that part of grieving is embracing these feelings rather than trying to avoid them.  That's easier to do in the days when grief is new and you feel nothing else.  It's harder to accept now that I know good days and happiness still exist.  So as we move through these difficult days, I will try to accept these feelings as I remember our sweet baby boy.  But I will also remember that there are more good days ahead.

Thank you to everyone who has given me the grace to feel what I need to feel...for understanding that peopling is hard...and for reminding me that I'm not in this alone.

Monsters-Giving

Two years ago it started...two years ago we walked into the pediatrician's office and ended up at Children's.  Two years ago we were told our baby boy probably had cancer.  Two years ago our world slowly started falling apart.

We have spent the last two years putting the pieces back together...learning how to live again...figuring out how to find joy and happiness in everyday life.  We have had good days, bad days, and everything in between.  We miss our monster every second of every day.  Some moments, a gentle memory tugs at our heart; other moments the memories knock the wind out of us.

Now, on the eve of Henry's official diagnosis and the start of his frantic twelve-day fight, I want to remember him.  I don't want to remember the Henry that lay in the hospital bed, needing machines to help him breathe, help his kidneys, and even to keep him warm.  I want to remember the Henry that stole my heart with his very first breath.  I want to remember the Henry that was almost always smiling...that was up for anything...and that loved everyone.  And this is where I ask for your help.

I have renamed the next twelve days Monsters-Giving.  (You may remember last year it was the twelve days of giving...and I realized that sounded so familiar because that's what Ellen uses on her show!)  Over the next twelve days, Tim and I will be reaching out to people we know could use a little smile...whether these are people we know or not.  We want to find joy in the next twelve days rather than simply wallowing in our sorrow.  We don't do this to hide from our grief, but rather to embrace it.  We do this to remember our sweet monster, and to share the smiles that he surely would be doling out were he still here with us.

So over the next twelve days, if it so strikes you, send someone a smile.  Give someone a call that you haven't talked to in too long...pay for someone's coffee...send a note to your mom...your dad...your sister...your friend.  Donate blood or platelets to help those who are fighting.  It doesn't have to cost money, and it doesn't have to be a grand gesture.  Help us honor and remember the sweet little monster who knew nothing but love.  #monstersgiving #allheknewwaslove #amonstersmission #lookatmamausinghashtages

November

For almost a week now, I have managed to avoid acknowledging the fact that it's November.  I've been busy enough at work, and tired enough by the time I get home, that the fact seemed to escape my conscious thought.  But over the last couple days, November has come crashing down on me...hard...

Yesterday I was especially cranky, for no apparent reason. I had a whole day to relax and do what I wanted...all my errands and most of my chores were already done. But I still felt like I wanted to crawl into a hole. The thought of going to work was a little overwhelming, and I couldn't muster motivation to do much of anything. I woke up this morning feeling much the same way. I got to work and sat in my car, talking myself into going into the building. I didn't want to face people, to interact, or really do anything.

But then, seeing this picture on memories brought it all back and it suddenly made sense. We are entering that time of year that will probably always be at least a little hard. This time two years ago was when Henry really went downhill, thus leading to his hospitalization and diagnosis. These were, unknown to us at the time, our last couple days at home with him...our last few days of even seeing him awake...the last few days he looked like Henry. And knowing now what he was already battling is heartbreaking.

We have a lot to look forward to, with Henry's little brother or sister on the way. But that doesn't take his place. Next year we will (God willing) have an infant to take care of and it will still be a hard time of year. I don't know if or when it will get easier, but I know it's not this year. So if Tim or I seem a little quieter than usual, a bit more spacey, or less smiley, know we're trying. I know now that we will make it through the tough times, but that doesn't mean that the times aren't still tough.