Happy Birthday, Brady!!

The relationship between grief and time is a funny one.  You would think that, like with most things, grief would get easier with time.  And I would say this is partially true.  Living with grief day to day has definitely gotten easier...or at least we've learned how to deal with it better.  However, the special days...birthdays, anniversaries, holidays...don't seem to be getting easier. 

Up until a few weeks ago, I figured I would go to work today.  It's just another day, right?  I mean, sure, it's Brady's 4th (FOURTH??) birthday.  Four years ago today, we welcomed him and said goodbye to him all at the same time.  Four years seemed like enough time had passed that I could go on with life as normal today.  Thankfully, I listened to my husband and ended up taking the day off.  (He's been right several times lately...we have to try to keep that from going to his head!)  Now, was today awful?  No.  Was today even bad?  Not really.  But today was a day I could be selfish, take care of me, ignore the needs of the rest of the world, and remember my firstborn baby boy.  And as much as I thought I didn't need a day like today after four years...well, I did.

So instead of going to work, and adulting (yuck!) Tim and I spent the day together.  We had breakfast together...we brought flowers to the cemetery and read the boys a couple books (our birthday tradition.)  We had a doctor's appointment and got to see Grant (who is growing like a weed!!) which definitely lifted our spirits.  And we went to see Beauty and the Beast (which I LOVED.)  We will finish our day with dinner from Famous Dave's, as that's what we had brought to us the evening of Brady's birthday.

It wasn't a bad day...in fact, it turned out to be a pretty decent day.  It's certainly not the way I would have envisioned celebrating my son's 4th birthday, but then life doesn't always work out the way we plan and dream it will.  So we make the best of it...

Happiest of heavenly birthdays, Brady Leland!  You made me a mama, and taught me more than I ever would have expected.  I hope you're having a celebration with Nana, Henry and Hope!  We love you now and forever.  Happy birthday baby boy!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Four years ago (and it really doesn't seem that long ago!) I spent St. Patrick's Day grumpy and a little angry. The reason for these moods?? I couldn't indulge in green beer. Yup, I was angry because I was pregnant and couldn't enjoy my typical St. Paddy's Day beverage. Looking back, of course, it seems so silly. But then, isn't hindsight always 20/20??

This was one of many lessons Brady taught me. Yes, Brady...our one and a half pound miracle, taught me many lessons through his short life within me and his birth. This particular lesson was how precious time, and moments, are. True, I didn't get a green beer that year. But I did get to feel my son, my firstborn, kicking and moving around. I got to spend time with my husband, who did everything he possibly could to make me feel better. I didn't think then like I do now...that I have years to enjoy a green beer, but I'll only have this particular moment today.

So this year I'm not at all upset with the lack of adult beverages. In fact, I'm thrilled not to be enjoying any. Because that means that I am growing yet another miracle. What we have hoped and prayed for the last two years is finally real. And there's nothing that beats the little kicks that I feel...the round belly under my green shirt...I wouldn't trade that for all the green beer in the world!! And I have some pretty special angels to thank for this perspective, this gratitude, and this optimism I feel today. On this St. Patrick's Day, I am definitely the lucky one. ☘️

Valentine's Day

I have to admit, I've never been a huge fan of Valentine's Day. Sure, as a kid I decorated a box and got Valentines to pass out to my classmates. And the Valentine's party was a nice break from doing school work. But then I spent several of my young adult years working at retail establishments, and I saw the other side of Valentine's Day...the frantic, oh-crap-I-forgot-and-I-know-you're-closing-but-I-just-need-to-grab-a-card side. And once I became a teacher, Valentine's Day became one of those days I just had to make it through...knowing very little would actually get done.

I had my single years, when Valentine's Day posts made me a little sick to my stomach, as I tried to be independent and proud of my single status. And I had years when I was dating someone and Valentine's Day still made me sick to my stomach...because then I had to find that perfect card and gift! Now I'm married, and Valentine's Day no longer induces anxiety, but that's probably because we definitely keep it low-key. 

But I do have a bit of a different perspective on Valentine's Day now. Sure, it's a commercial holiday. But it is a day to celebrate love. And there are plenty of kinds of love to celebrate. There's the kindergarten crush, the young and innocent love of life (and candy!), the first kiss kind of love, the newlywed love and the we've been married forever love, the love between friends, the love for our kids and our parents, the love of family. I am lucky to have lots of these loves in my life, and I am especially lucky to be married to THE love of my life. When I said I do, I had no idea what life would throw at us. But I know that I wouldn't be the strong person I am today without my husband by my side. So although I'm still not a huge believer in Valentine's Day, I am a believer in love, and I am thankful for all the love I've been surrounded with now and throughout my life. I hope everyone was able to find something to celebrate today, whether it's the love of a partner, a child, or of those chalky conversation hearts. Happy Valentine's Day!

Update

We've been pretty quiet on here lately...not for any specific reason.  Well, except the reason that I never seem to know quite what to write about!!  But today I do have a little something on my mind, so I thought maybe it was time to check in.

We had a doctor's appointment this morning, and everything looked GREAT!  Grant is growing well - he's in the 81st percentile! - and (sorry for the TMI) my cervix looks great!  So that means that it is doing the job of keeping Grant in place.  I also have not been experiencing contractions or any other concerning symptoms.  As the doctor said this morning, right now there's nothing more to do at this point than treat this as a "normal pregnancy."  Yup, that's right...normal.  That's not a word I usually associate with myself, much less my pregnancies!  But I'll take it.  And I'll appreciate the heck out of this "normal" pregnancy for as long as it lasts.  I appreciate being at work (as much as I grumble every morning about having to go), I appreciate being able to go to the store when I need to, I appreciate being able to nest here and there.  I also, of course, appreciate being able to veg on the couch, and snuggle the puppies, but I appreciate that I am able to do more.

It's almost surreal, how well everything has gone so far (KNOCK ON WOOD.)  And despite our history, I haven't found myself worrying nearly as much as I would have thought.  Sure, I have moments when I feel something (or don't feel something) that I start to panic a little.  But it never lasts long, and Grant's usually pretty good about moving around and letting me know he's doing okay.  Overall, though, I just don't have that overwhelming sense of anxiety that I did with Henry.  I'm not sure what the reason is, but I like to believe it has to do with some special angels watching over us...

We've still got some time to go (we are nearing 24 weeks), but with every passing day...and week...I am just enjoying the journey.  We already love this little guy to the moon and back, and we know many others do as well.  Here's to hoping the next several months go as smoothly as the last several have!!

Holidays

This is the first year in several that I have truly been in the Christmas spirit. We decorated the house, baked Christmas cookies, listened to Christmas music, watched Christmas movies, and did our Christmas shopping. We hosted family and attended traditional holiday events with family and friends. 

Our Christmases over the past few years have been different. The first year we were married was the same year we lost Brady and my mom, and I was put on bedrest just before the holidays. I grudgingly put up a few decorations and reluctantly participated in festivities that were brought to me (since I couldn't leave.) The next year, after losing Henry just before Thanksgiving, I turned Grinch and completely boycotted the holidays. Last year, I participated minimally and selectively, skipping many events and traditions.

Although it's nice to feel a return of the Christmas spirit, I still have a bit of emptiness in my heart. Instead of watching my kids experience the joys of Christmas and open presents, I visited them at the cemetery. Instead of baking cookies with my mom, and asking her advice on holiday decor, I do my best on my own. 

But despite these missing pieces, I am grateful for much this holiday season. My heart warms each time I feel Grant kick and move around. I am thankful for our home, which is comfortable enough to host family throughout the holidays. I have a husband who spoils me rotten not just at Christmas but all year long. I have four dogs who want nothing more than to love and be loved (well, and meals and treats on schedule.) I have family and friends who have and continue to let me to do holidays the way I need to at any given time...and who haven't given up on inviting and including me regardless of how many times I say no. And, of course, I have the most precious angels watching over me every day.

This holiday season, I hope everyone reading this has something that warms their heart...something to be grateful for. And if you're missing someone, I hope memories bring comfort more than pain. Merry Christmas and happy holidays!

Grief

Grief is hard.  Grief is work.  Grief never ends.  Grief is confusing...it makes me feel weak, yet it has also made me strong - stronger than I thought possible.  Grief is sneaky...sometimes hitting you when you least expect it.

As we come upon two years, I expect this time of year to be hard.  Throughout most of the rest of the year, I can go about my life, enjoying things, enjoying people.  Sure, there are still tough days...birthdays...holidays...random days when memories pop into my head.  But overall, I feel like a normal human being.  This time of year, I feel nothing like a normal human being.  I don't especially want to interact with people, but I don't especially want to be alone with my thoughts either.  I don't want to go to work, but I have no motivation to do anything at home.  I have a hard time focusing on anything...chores, reading, TV shows, to-do lists.  In fact, it feels almost as though I have been transported back two years, and those feelings are the ones I'm feeling again.

And that's the nature of grief.  You can go along through life feeling just fine until BAM, a memory surfaces or a date rolls around.  I understand that, and I know that, but I don't like it!  I also know that part of grieving is embracing these feelings rather than trying to avoid them.  That's easier to do in the days when grief is new and you feel nothing else.  It's harder to accept now that I know good days and happiness still exist.  So as we move through these difficult days, I will try to accept these feelings as I remember our sweet baby boy.  But I will also remember that there are more good days ahead.

Thank you to everyone who has given me the grace to feel what I need to feel...for understanding that peopling is hard...and for reminding me that I'm not in this alone.

Monsters-Giving

Two years ago it started...two years ago we walked into the pediatrician's office and ended up at Children's.  Two years ago we were told our baby boy probably had cancer.  Two years ago our world slowly started falling apart.

We have spent the last two years putting the pieces back together...learning how to live again...figuring out how to find joy and happiness in everyday life.  We have had good days, bad days, and everything in between.  We miss our monster every second of every day.  Some moments, a gentle memory tugs at our heart; other moments the memories knock the wind out of us.

Now, on the eve of Henry's official diagnosis and the start of his frantic twelve-day fight, I want to remember him.  I don't want to remember the Henry that lay in the hospital bed, needing machines to help him breathe, help his kidneys, and even to keep him warm.  I want to remember the Henry that stole my heart with his very first breath.  I want to remember the Henry that was almost always smiling...that was up for anything...and that loved everyone.  And this is where I ask for your help.

I have renamed the next twelve days Monsters-Giving.  (You may remember last year it was the twelve days of giving...and I realized that sounded so familiar because that's what Ellen uses on her show!)  Over the next twelve days, Tim and I will be reaching out to people we know could use a little smile...whether these are people we know or not.  We want to find joy in the next twelve days rather than simply wallowing in our sorrow.  We don't do this to hide from our grief, but rather to embrace it.  We do this to remember our sweet monster, and to share the smiles that he surely would be doling out were he still here with us.

So over the next twelve days, if it so strikes you, send someone a smile.  Give someone a call that you haven't talked to in too long...pay for someone's coffee...send a note to your mom...your dad...your sister...your friend.  Donate blood or platelets to help those who are fighting.  It doesn't have to cost money, and it doesn't have to be a grand gesture.  Help us honor and remember the sweet little monster who knew nothing but love.  #monstersgiving #allheknewwaslove #amonstersmission #lookatmamausinghashtages