Congrats Tim!

Today is a big day for Tim...he's graduating with his Bachelor's degree from Bellevue University. This is a journey he started after we lost Brady, and before we knew Henry was on his way. Throughout Tim's journey, we lost my mom, got put on bedrest, lost another important family member, welcomed Henry, learned what life is like with a newborn, traveled to Florida, visited Omaha-area traditions such as Vala's Pumpkin Patch, found out Henry was sick, and lost Henry. All of that has happened within the last 18 months. I can imagine that many people would give up...but not Tim. He kept working, studying, and taking care of his family. He rarely complained, just did what needed to be done.

I am so incredibly proud of my husband. Not only is this a huge accomplishment, but also a true testament to his character...perseverance, strength, intelligence, love... He is showing his sons what a true man is through his actions. I know Brady and Henry are watching over him today, so proud of their daddy. We wish they were here to see him graduate, but we know they're watching from above. Congratulations, Tim! You continue to inspire us all.

Top Ten Things Henry Taught Me...#8

10.  Anything worth having is worth working for.
9.  Enjoy the little things.
8.  Every child I interact with is someone's "Henry."
Before Henry was born, I considered myself to be a decent teacher.  I most definitely considered myself a caring teacher.  I cared about my students...wanted them to enjoy reading and books...wanted them to learn and grow and explore...wanted them to feel safe at school...  However, since Henry was born I think I've become a better teacher.  I've become more patient, more understanding, and more aware of what the students need.  As I started the year with kindergarteners, instead of being frustrated that they wouldn't sit still for more than about 30 seconds, I pictured myself sending Henry off to kindergarten.  I pictured him, at 5 or 6 years old, in a new environment with new people, and thought about how I'd want his teachers to be patient with him.  As I had kids that were still learning how to treat books with respect, I realized that they might not have books at home, or anyone who has taught them how to respect books.  They may have never been to a library before coming to school.  And as I had kids that wanted to tell me long stories, I wondered if they had anyone at home who wanted to listen to those stories.

As I interact with students this year, I always think to myself about how I'd want Henry treated.  Then I remind myself that every one of my students is someone's Henry.  Not all of them have a mom and a dad at home...some of them have neither, but they all have someone that loves them and wants the best for them.  They are the whole world to someone, and I need to treat them that way.  That's not to say that I need to treat each student as a prince or princess, but I need to treat them with respect and caring.  I need to be a positive influence in their lives, and be someone that they can trust to watch out for them and be there for them.  That's what I would have wanted for Henry, and it was through him that I became a more compassionate teacher.

7.  To be a mother is to watch your heart walk around outside your body.
6.  There truly are angels on earth.
5.  Everyone is fighting some sort of battle we know nothing about.
4.  Time is a gift.
3.  Death is not the end of a relationship.
2.  You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
1.  Motherhood is the best job I could ever hope for.

Top Ten Things Henry Taught Me...#10

10.  Anything worth having is worth working for.
Henry made us work to get him here safely.  Having lost Brady at nearly 23 weeks pregnant, we were very proactive when we found out we were pregnant again.  We met with our maternal fetal medicine specialist right after our first appointment with our OB, and had the cerclage scheduled for 12 weeks. Then we continued bi-weekly ultrasounds and weekly progesterone shots to make sure everything looked good.  Things looked good, until about 21 weeks, when I was put on strict bedrest.  Luckily, I could be on bedrest from home rather than the hospital!  We continued weekly ultrasounds and shots for most of the pregnancy, as well as regular appointments with our OB.  Our doctors, nurses, and ultrasound techs made sure that Henry was growing, and that I was healthy as well.  We waited anxiously for milestones...24 weeks...28 weeks...32 weeks... At 36 weeks, Dr. Barsoom removed the cerclage and then it was a matter of waiting for Henry to make his appearance!

Although it sounds great, bedrest is not a piece of cake.  I like to be lazy, have days to do whatever I want.  But day after day, with little adult interaction (or interaction at all!), trying to get ready for a baby from the couch...all of this made me cranky, and stressed out my husband (though he rarely let on.)  It was hard not to be able to wander the baby section, and pick out little outfits or toys.  It was hard not to be able to help paint the nursery, set up the crib, or even do the laundry.  I tried to make the best of it, but some days were definitely tough.  Even tougher, I had every day to lay around and worry...worry about each twinge, movement, or lack of movement.

However, both Tim and I were willing to do whatever it took to get Henry here safely.  Tim put up with my mood swings, made sure I had snacks, water, and entertainment each day before he left for work.  When he went shopping and wandered the baby section, he would send pictures of what he was looking at, trying to keep me involved.  As hard as it was, neither of us had a second thought about following doctor's orders.  As Henry grew, he helped ease my anxiety by moving around.  As I got more uncomfortable, I became more thankful...that meant that Henry was growing!  All of the struggle, worry, boredom, restlessness, appointments, procedures, hospital visits...it was all so worth it...Henry was most definitely worth working for!

9.  Enjoy the little things.
8.  Every child I interact with is someone's "Henry."
7.  To be a mother is to watch your heart walk around outside your body.
6.  There truly are angels on earth.
5.  Everyone is fighting some sort of battle we know nothing about.
4.  Time is a gift.
3.  Death is not the end of a relationship.
2.  You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
1.  Motherhood is the best job I could ever hope for.

Top Ten Things Henry Taught Me...An Introduction

Henry taught me many things, through his life and his death.  In order to share some of these things, I decided to make a "top ten" list of the things he taught me.  Some things I can't even articulate...he just changed me.  But this is the list I could put into words.  Some days, when I need to write but I don't know what to say, I'll return to this list and expand on these items.  But for this morning, here's my list!

10.  Anything worth having is worth working for.
9.  Enjoy the little things.
8.  Every child I interact with is someone's "Henry."
7.  To be a mother is to watch your heart walk around outside your body.
6.  There truly are angels on earth.
5.  Everyone is fighting some sort of battle we know nothing about.
4.  Time is a gift.
3.  Death is not the end of a relationship.
2.  You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
1.  Motherhood is the best job I could ever hope for.

Good in the World

I like to think that I have angels watching over me...not just Henry, but Brady and my mama too.  This morning, I was having a rough morning.  I felt anxious, and just had that feeling like I couldn't do this anymore.  My heart felt like it was in my throat and my stomach was in knots.  There wasn't any specific reason for that...it's just how some mornings start.

But then when I got to school, I was sitting at my desk doing a few things before going outside for duty, and one of my friends stopped by with a coffee from Starbucks.  It's such a simple gesture, but it meant so much, especially this morning.  Then, after coming in from duty, I had a card on my desk with a gift card to one of my favorite stores (so that I can buy something new that fits!)  Again, a sweet and simple gesture, but one that brought tears to my eyes.  These two ladies didn't know that I was having a rough morning, they just wanted to do something sweet to lift my spirits.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people.  I have been painfully slow in getting thank-yous out (my mom would be horrified!) but I am still working on them.  I hope that I haven't forgotten anyone, but if I do, please know it isn't intentional.  Every card, comment, gesture, and gift is appreciated beyond words.  Just a smile as we pass in the hall raises my spirits, as does an "I'm thinking of you."  So although I continue to work on thank-yous, in the meantime I want to thank everyone that has reached out to us, in big ways or small.  I like to think that's our boys and my mama, watching out for us from above, making sure we're surrounded by caring people.  <3

Withitness

At our training last week, we talked about "withitness."  In teaching, this means being aware of what's going on in the classroom.  You may be working with a small group, but you still know what the rest of the class is doing.  It's the eyes in the back of the head phenomenon...that trick that teachers and moms are so good at.

In my work life and my home life, I am struggling with withitness.  Don't get me wrong, I'm aware of what the kids are doing - it's hard not to be!  And they actually help me to be more "withit."  But it's the little things, the day to day things that I struggle with.  The things I once had so organized that aren't anymore.  And even worse...I don't even really care that I'm not organized.  At home, it took me three days to get one load of laundry done, and it didn't bother me at all.  My breakfast dishes from Monday are still sitting in the sink (well, they would be except my loving husband took care of them for me.)  Even shopping, which is typically one of my favorite things, holds no allure.  My clothes are all now ridiculously big, and I can't drag myself out of the house to get new ones.

Even when Henry was here, I struggled with being "withit."  When I was at work, I couldn't wait to pick him up from daycare.  When I was at home, all I wanted to do was snuggle and play with Henry.  So the little things still didn't get done, and still didn't seem so important.  But now my struggle is that I'm missing my purpose.  When Henry was alive, my purpose was to be a mom, and I LOVED that purpose.  I still was a teacher, and a wife, and those were important roles as well, but the role of mom took center stage.  The little things didn't get done, because I had more important things to tend to.  So now I tend to my husband (although he takes much better care of me than I do of him), and the dogs.  I try to be social, although I would rather just hide at home.  I go to work, and let the kids make me smile.  I go through the days, still learning how to go on with such a big hole in my heart and in my life.

Bills

We got another bill from Children's today, and it made me sick to my stomach.  Not because of the big numbers - thanks to insurance and the generosity of our community we really don't have to worry about that.  What got me was what the numbers represented...all of the things that my poor little baby had to go through.  From the ambulance ride and anesthesia to blood products and dialysis to EKGs and pharmacy (pharmacy accounted for over 25% of the bill!) our sweet Henry endured so much in his last couple weeks.  And he powered through like a trooper.  His poor body fought as hard as it could, until it just couldn't fight any more.  Thinking of Henry's strength is what keeps me going day after day.  If Henry, at just 7 months old, could fight as hard as he did, I can definitely get myself out of bed each day.  I can go to work, and carry on as best as I can.  Although physically the cancer may have beaten Henry's body, Henry didn't lose his fight.  He won by giving me strength to go on each day, by showing his dad and I what pure love is, and by inspiring so many with his story.

I think I'll move to Australia...

In the words of Alexander (who had a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day) I think I'll move to Australia. 

If only it were that easy. If only we could just pack a bag, hop a plane, and a day or so later be half a world away from our troubles. If only those troubles wouldn't follow us, but would stay right here, waiting. If that were the case, I'd be on a plane tomorrow!

If only we could just focus on grieving, on making it through one day at a time. If only life didn't intervene, and make everything just a little more complicated. Unfortunately, that's the way life is. Life goes on, it doesn't stop just because you've had a catastrophic event. So that being the case, perhaps I won't move to Australia after all...perhaps I'll stay here, and continue to focus on making it through one day at a time, until the time comes when I find myself able to focus on a little bit more...then a little bit more...and then until the time when I feel like a whole person again. It will take a little longer than a trip to Australia, but it will be worth it in the end.

Lonely

This morning I was lonely. I struggle to get myself out of bed during the week, and now that it's the weekend I was wide awake around 5 a.m. Luckily, I managed to get out of bed without waking Tim or the dogs. But that left me awake, and alone. Henry used to be my morning companion. He was more than happy to wake at 5, eat a little, and then play. I spent some time watching videos of him playing, thankful that I have these memories, but missing him so much.

Grief itself is lonely. No one else can accompany you on the journey. People can certainly support you, and walk by your side. But they can't make the journey for you. Perhaps that's why I find myself retreating. However, I'm incredibly thankful to have so many people by my side on this journey...it makes it a little less lonely.

Grief

I came upon this on Pinterest as I was browsing this evening, and it really hit home.  As I grieve, I definitely find myself retreating.  I'm not interested in going out with friends, I'm not interested in keeping up with family and friends...really, the only person I seem to want to be with is my husband.  That's not to say that I'm a hermit.  I do get together with people, I interact appropriately (I think) at work every day.  But I'm not fully present.

I hope that my grief isn't hurting other people, but I would imagine it could be.  It is not intentional, it's not something I'm trying to do.  Tim and I are doing the best we can.  Some days, getting out of bed is about all we can do.  Other days, we feel more normal...more like ourselves.  There is no telling what kind of day each day will be.  We never know until we wake up.

It's an exhausting process.  Grief is emotionally, mentally, and even physically demanding.  It takes so much of our focus and our energy, and it leaves us with little energy for everything else.  We appreciate everyone's patience and understanding as we wade through this journey.  We appreciate each and every person who takes the time to read our posts, to follow our story.  <3

Another #tbt

Two months ago today my world shattered. That was the day I held my perfect baby boy as his heart stopped beating and he took his last breath. That was the day I stopped being a mommy to a baby, and became a mommy to another angel instead.

Although it felt like it, my life didn't stop that day. It changed forever, but my heart kept beating, my lungs kept breathing. It seems like so long ago that I last held Henry, last tucked him into bed, last saw his smile or heard his giggle. Yet he is still with me every day. I miss him, and look forward to the day I can snuggle him again, but for now I will learn from his strength. I will take the strength he has given me and carry on. Love you, Monster!!

Another trip down memory lane...

Henry loved shopping. I think his first trip to Wal Mart occurred at age 3 or 4 days old. Luckily Henry was born in the spring, so we didn't have to worry too much about cold and flu bugs, although Daddy always carefully disinfected the cart before putting Henry in it. Now, on these first trips Henry didn't do too much, other than snooze. But quickly he became interested in the lights at the stores. He gazed at the ceiling in wonder. As he got a little older he started becoming more interested in the colors on the shelves, but the lights were always his favorite!

Henry was even a good sport when he'd get stuck going to Target with Mommy. Like many others, Target can suck me in for much longer than I'd plan. And Henry would just chill while I wandered. The TV wall was his favorite, and we always had to stop in the baby toys and play with the musical turtle (until we finally just bought it!)

Just as with everything in his life, Henry enjoyed shopping and could just go with the flow. Our shopping trips are much quieter now, but I always picture that sweet little face as I push a shopping cart!

A boy and his blankie

I've been a little sad lately (hard to believe, huh?) so I decided to write about happier memories tonight...hoping maybe that would bring some comfort. 

In thinking about happier memories, I began browsing the many many many pictures of Henry on my phone. Several of these pictures had not only Henry, but also his pal Mickey Mouse. Mickey was one of Henry's first toys that he actually took interest in. He was maybe a couple months old, and I noticed he always "cuddled" his burp cloth at bottle time. The thought finally popped into my head to try one of his animal "blankets." He had one with a monkey, Nala from the Lion King, a dog, and a couple others. But Mickey was definitely his favorite. Perhaps it was because he knew Mommy loves Mickey...but more likely the crinkly ears got his attention.

Mickey went just about everywhere with Henry...to the store, restaurants, Grandma's house and Grandpa's house, Florida, the pumpkin patch, the apple orchard... He went so many places that we even got a spare to take to daycare. Plus that way we always had an extra in case anything happened to one! 

We miss our little guy every second of every day, but these memories and pictures definitely put a smile on my face tonight ❤️

Staff Development Days

Today wasn't a day off for me, like it was for many. However, it was a student-free day. The crazy thing, it was harder to make it through today than it is to teach all day. Today was made up of meetings and trainings. This kept me "busy," but left plenty of time for my mind to wander. And much of our meetings and trainings were focused on how to improve our teaching and ideas for innovation and incorporating new standards. It's nice to be able to have time to focus on the craft of teaching, but today it was just a little much for me. These days I feel like I'm lucky just to make it into the building, and to teach semi-coherent lessons. I can't look much past tomorrow without having slight panic attacks. So although eventually I will put this information to use, it won't be right away.

The other tough thing today was that I've missed most of our staff development days this year. One of our first ones Henry was home sick with a little bug, and then the last couple he was sick and then I was still off. As with so so many things, I'm reminded of what my life used to be...happy and fulfilled...and of what my life is for this moment in time...empty and restless. But I made it through another first...my first staff development day back to work. Baby steps, one day at a time...that's all I can expect of myself, and I'm proud I made it through another day. 

Exhaustion

I think I've finally figured out why I'm so exhausted all the time. I sleep plenty...I go to bed early, and often take naps after work. Yet every morning I wake up feeling as though I hardly slept at all. And I think I'm so exhausted because it takes most of my energy to put on a front...not to pretend that I'm fine (because I'm definitely not) but to pretend that I'm present. To have conversations with people, to go to work and do my job, get groceries, even to eat a meal. All of this is pretending...going through the motions. What I really want to do is hide out in my house (preferably in my bed) and not talk to anyone, except my husband. So every day that I make the choice to get out of bed and venture out into the world is exhausting.

With that said, I am glad I have reasons to get out of the house.  I'm glad that I have a job that I (mostly) enjoy, and that I work with wonderful and supportive people.  I've had more than one person tell me that if I need to step out for a moment, that they will gladly cover my class.  I'm glad that I have friends that check up on me and make sure I do get out of the house every now and then.  I'm glad that I have a husband who encourages me to do things...like go out for a drink after work or get together with my friends.  And then, at the end of the day, I'm glad that I can crawl in bed, snuggle with the puppies, and be proud of the fact that I made it through another day.

Mornings

Like most children, Henry liked to sleep late during the week so he was well rested to wake up early on weekends. During the week, I would get up around 5:30 so that I could fix my hair, brush my teeth, and do my makeup (what little I do, anyway.) Then when Tim got up at 6 to shower I would head in to wake Henry. Not only did Henry want to sleep, but he also liked his morning games. I would lightly rub his back and softly say good morning. He would stir, and I'd rub his back a little more. I'd see his eyes flutter, and I'd roll him over. As soon as I did this, he'd peek at me, and then roll back over and pretend to be asleep. This would continue for a few rounds before he would finally open his eyes and smile.

Occasionally, Henry would wake up when I did. Then he would lay on the bathroom rug and "talk" to me while I got ready.  This would usually wake Daddy up, too, so we'd have quality family time in the bathroom.

It was probably good that I had a baby who was happy in the morning. It helped me (a definite non-morning person) much more willing to get out of bed. And Henry's smile melted my heart each and every day!

Autopsy

When Henry died, we agreed to an autopsy. We didn't do it because we thought we'd get new information. We did it mainly to see if there was anything that could help other kids fighting leukemia...to make sure there wasn't anything we missed.

We met with Henry's oncologist today to go over those results. Dr. A told Tim yesterday when he talked to her that there wasn't anything earth-shattering. The autopsy told us most of what we already knew. Henry's leukemia had infiltrated his organs and had caused damage, thought this damage was not necessarily permanent. His organs were enlarged, which we also knew due to the amount of fluid on his body. When Henry died, there was no leukemia in his body-not even in his bone marrow. The chemo was doing its job. The last straw for Henry was his lungs. Henry was rhino/enterovirus positive, and had bronciolitis. This weakened his lungs, and when he was on ECMO there was bleeding in his lungs. This is what he ended up unable to recover from.

This is all such medical mumbo-jumbo. Here's my mother-interpretation. Henry got sick, very sick. But he was such a tough cookie that we didn't know how sick he was until he was really really sick. Even then, he fought his heart out. He took everything we threw at him and kept fighting. He kept that up until his poor little body just couldn't fight anymore. And then he left this world and is now in a place with no more needles, beeping machines, medicines to regulate his body. He's free to run and play with no coughing or sniffling or pain. And although I'd give anything to have him here with us, I am so incredibly thankful that he is no longer suffering, no longer in pain. 

Loose ends

To start, today was a much better day than yesterday. I don't know why, but I'll take it!!

Now I find myself haunted by loose ends. I don't like loose ends. I prefer things to be tidy and complete. When I move, I do all my packing within about a week. Once I start, I want it to be done. Once I start a project, I work on it relentlessly until it's done. When I get home from work, the first thing I do is put things away. That's just how I like to do things.

Now, of course, I don't always get things my way. There are so many loose ends it's making me a little crazy(-er). Tax season is coming up, and I have no idea what to expect. I do know I won't be doing our taxes online by myself this year! We're still waiting for medical bills to start rolling in so that we can start getting them paid. We want to move, but need to get a better idea of medical bills and other expenses before we can really start looking. All of these things require waiting, and patience is not one of my virtues at the moment!

I am thankful for all of the support we've received, financial and otherwise. It does make these loose ends much more of an annoyance, rather than something to be feared. Just one of the many things we have to be thankful for! 

Thankful

Thank you to everyone for your prayers, thoughts, hugs, kind words, and sweet gestures today. I appreciate so much being able to share how I feel, and knowing how many people care! I made it through the day, and am feeling better for now at least. I truly appreciate all of the love and support ❤️

Rough start

Disclaimer...this is a venting post and I'm not having a good morning. So you may not want to read this...!

This morning I am angry and sad and frustrated. I am angry that none of my clothes fit because I'm never hungry. I eat to eat, but normally I eat because I love to eat, so now even my "skinny" pants are much too big. And I'm angry that I'm too lazy and cheap to get pants that fit. I'm angry that I have to wear my wedding rings on a necklace because they're also too big and I'm afraid I'll lose them if I wear them on my finger. I got angry this morning because I can't dry my hair and brew coffee at the same time without tripping the breaker. I'm angry that my sweet husband gets the brunt of my anger, even though he does everything he can to make me happy, and that as much as I unload on him he never retaliates. I'm angry that the car seat is in my way, and angry that I can't bring myself to take it out of the car. I'm angry that I have to get out of bed on days like this when I really just want to bury myself under the covers. But I don't have any sick days (or any days for that matter). My paycheck this month is $500, which also makes me angry. And that makes me angry that if and when we decide to try to have more children I have to worry about how we'll make it financially. I'm angry that I don't have easy pregnancies, and that even when I do everything I'm supposed to and I have a healthy baby, he still dies. I'm angry that I'm sitting in my car at work because I can't stop crying long enough to get into the building. Most of all, I'm angry because I know that none of these things are the true reason I'm angry, sad and frustrated.

I'm sorry for the venting, and the verbal vomit. But on the plus side, the tears have stopped enough that I think I can get into school. Hopefully the kids arriving and my forced "good mornings" will help turn my mood around, as it often does. Thank you for reading, and for not judging me too harshly for having a little pity party! :)

Purpose

I made the statement over the weekend that I needed a purpose. I continue to feel incredibly aimless. I go to work and I want to go home. I get home, and I want something to do. I wake up and I can't wait to go back to sleep, but at bedtime I find myself awake. It is a vicious cycle, and it's one I seem to be stuck in.

Before Henry was born, I was happy. I enjoyed my job, I enjoyed my free time which I filled with hobbies and activities with friends and family. Once Henry was born, I was even more happy. I enjoyed my time with Henry, and I enjoyed taking Henry to spend time with family and friends. I had worried that I would miss "me" time, but I really didn't. On occasions when I had "me" time I would look forward to seeing my baby. I went back to work and enjoyed that still, though I definitely looked forward to picking Henry up each afternoon.

But now that Henry's gone, I have trouble finding fulfillment in the things that used to make me happy. I go to work, but I don't find it quite as satisfying. I have trouble getting motivated to read, or take pictures, or other things that I've always enjoyed. I watch my TV shows, but it's more going though the motions than enjoyment.

I imagine in time these things will bring enjoyment once again. Perhaps one day I will realize that going through the motions has led to enjoyment, and I will find a purpose again...

Dreams

Dreams are crazy things, and it's been on my mind lately. The other night I dreamed Henry was still alive. The dream wasn't anything wild or crazy.  Basically, I dreamed that he was still with us, and I was going about my day taking care of him.  I got him up, got him dressed, fed him, played with him, put him down for naps, gave him a bath...all of that exciting day-to-day infant stuff.  When I woke up, it took me a couple minutes to realize that it had been just a dream.  A lot of nights I must have sad dreams. I don't remember them, but I wake up with red, puffy eyes as though I'd been crying. Then there are the other kind of dreams...the hopes and dreams you have for your life. Like when we found out we were pregnant with Henry, and we hoped he'd be born healthy, and that our dream of becoming parents to a living child would come true. And, of course, this dream became a wonderful reality, if even for a short time.

Now I have slightly different hopes and dreams. I dream that my children are playing together, and getting into trouble as only brothers can do. I dream that Nana is watching them and smiling, happy to be with her grandsons. I dream that they're playing with other angel baby friends, and that they welcome new friends with open arms and invitations to play. 

I hope that one day we will have more children, and that we will share stories of their angel brothers. I hope that once again we can watch the joy on Grandma's and Grandpa's faces as they see their grandchildren, snuggle them, and play with them. I hope that one day we will worry about our children as we send them off to school, see them into the turbulent teenage years, and watch them become adults. And I hope that through all of this, Brady and Henry continue to be an important and loved part of our family.

Destination

I'm traveling this weekend, and have a layover in Denver. As I wander the airport, I notice all the different destinations...Atlanta, Salt Lake City, Phoenix, Orange County, Fort Lauderdale, Las Vegas...the entire country is covered. From this airport near the middle of the country, I could travel the country, even the world!

That brings to mind the other journey I'm on...the journey of grieving...of figuring out what my "new" life is supposed to be...of figuring out my purpose. As I board the plane here in Denver, I know my destination is Los Angeles. I know that my sister will be there to meet us (assuming she remembers to pick us up and doesn't fall asleep waiting...) and that we will enjoy a weekend of relative warmth. That makes traveling seem so simple. I board a plane, and a couple hours later I land at my destination.

Of course, the grieving journey isn't nearly as simple. I wake up each morning, but I don't know what the day will bring. Will I feel fulfilled at work? Will the dogs make me smile, or will they drive me crazy? Will something little like a dirty dish in the sink bring me to tears, or will it motivate me to deep clean the house? There is no flight plan, no timeline, no way to know. And so for now, I will board my plane and hope for sunnier skies, not only for this weekend but also in the days, weeks, months, and years to come.

Support

Tim and I are so lucky to have such a strong support system surrounding us. We have so many people who care about us, are thinking of and praying for us. This morning, for example, I was having a rough start. Then I got a Facebook message that simply said, "Love you, friend!" It was something so simple, and yet something that I needed to hear in that moment.

Tonight we went to our first support group meeting. We weren't sure what to expect, but were hopeful that it would be something that would help. And it was a good experience. There were many parents with many different experiences and at different stages in the grieving process. It was helpful to talk with other parents who have lost children, who have felt things that we feel. We talked with another family who has had a very recent loss, and we found we shared some of the same feelings. We will go again.

I am thankful for all of this support, and these opportunities to talk with others. I can't keep everything bottled up and continue to function, so I appreciate everyone who lets me talk and vent (even when I use my inappropriate sense of humor). And thank you to all who continue to read my ramblings. ❤️

Restless

After two days at work, we had a "cold" day today.  Believe me when I say that teachers enjoy snow days even more than the kids do!  Last night when I got the text and then the call saying I didn't have to report, I was pretty excited.  I looked forward to a day snuggling with the puppies...possibly reading, catching up on a little TV, and probably taking a nap or two.

I woke up pretty early, and due to two dogs wanting to snuggle up close, I wasn't able to go back to sleep.  But I knew that nap time would come later, so that was okay.  As the day went along, though, I started to feel a little...lost.  I've always loved snow days.  They are free days when I don't feel obligated to do anything.  It's time already budgeted for work, so I rarely feel guilty for being completely lazy.  And I was lazy today.  But that laziness felt a little more forced.  I wanted a project to work on, or something to do.  I tried reading, but couldn't focus.  There wasn't anything on TV I felt like watching.  I was bored, and had no idea what to do to ease that boredom.

This is pretty unusual for me.  I'm typically the one who has about 15 projects going on all at one time, along with 3 or 4 books I'm reading simultaneously.  I did some Pinterest searching, and found a couple potential project ideas.  I have a feeling this restless feeling will come and go for quite some time.   It's tough...I never feel like going to work, but I don't have anything to do at home, either.

I had a very different vision of what snow days would look like this year. Like so many other things, we have to readjust our visions to match reality. I would have loved to spend an extra day at home playing with Henry. In time I will find my projects and fully enjoy being lazy. For now, I'll keep busy with my silly games on my phone, browsing Pinterest, and, of course, taking naps!

More

We both made it through another day at work.  Today was easier for me - I felt more "normal" than I have in awhile.  I know that doesn't mean that everything is back to normal, but I appreciate each good day as a break from bad days and mediocre days and days when I just feel lost.  And now that I've worked two whole days, we have tomorrow off due to cold weather!

I continue to be in awe of the support we have. So often people tell us, "I don't know what to say," or, "I'm thinking of and praying for you but I wish there were more I could do." I certainly understand that...as somewhat of a people-pleaser, I always wish I could help people who are sad to feel better. But the truth is, there isn't anything to say or do besides what so many of you already are doing. The thoughts and prayers keep us going day after day. It doesn't take the sadness away, or heal the hurt, but it does bring comfort. It helps to know people are there for us and care about us. Even just letting us talk is amazingly helpful. It helps us to process what we are feeling, and it helps us to keep Henry's memory alive. We don't want to make anyone sad, but it helps to share our stories and memories.

So the next time you feel helpless, or that there's nothing more you can do, just continue what you are doing.  We are making it through each day thanks in part to your love and support.

Survival

I survived my first day back at work!  I had so many sweet text messages, Facebook messages, and emails throughout the day.  Not to mention coffee and chocolates left on my desk, and some amazing gummy orcas or sharks (I can't remember for sure which...but I do know they're delicious) all the way from Spain!  It continues to humble me to have so much love and support surrounding us.  Tim has said it before, and I will repeat it again...it's impossible for us to fall with so many people holding us up.

It was hard to leave the house this morning, and to head straight to school and not to Carrie's with Henry in tow.  I shed a few tears on the way to school, and held some back as I was on duty this morning.  But then the kids smiled as they came in, and so many of them were excited to see me.  That continued throughout the day, smiles from students and staff.  I had a full schedule of classes, and I had more patience than I expected.  (To be fair, the kids may have been in a state of post-break exhaustion...but I'll take it!)  There were times through the day that I panicked a little...thinking of doing this day after day after day, without Henry.  But then I look up from my desk and see the pictures of him smiling at me and I know that he's here with me.  He's not here physically like I want him to be, but he's here in my heart always and forever.  It was hard again to drive straight home...I missed my afternoon visit with Carrie as I pick Henry up.  But then I get home and have two very excited puppies greeting me at the door.

For now, it's definitely survival mode.  And with that, today was a success.  Every day has its ups and downs and today was no exception.  For those who are sending thoughts and/or prayers our way, please keep those coming.  I made it through day one, but there are so many more to come.  And to everyone who reached out to me today or thought about me today...thank you thank you thank you.

Back to Work...

Tomorrow I finally go back to work.  I'm dreading it terribly.  I'm not dreading it for the reasons many may think...I'm not dreading seeing the kids, or my coworkers.  That, in fact, I'm looking forward to.  I'm not dreading teaching, although I know my mind won't be fully present.  I'm not dreading getting things back in order, though I know that's something I will have to tackle.  What I'm truly dreading is going back to a place that I haven't been since Henry died.  When I walk back into the school building, I'm going back to a place where I used to be a different person.  I'm not that person anymore.  I'm still Henry's mommy, but I won't be dropping Henry off on my way to work, wondering how he's doing throughout the day, and looking forward to picking him up on my way home.

I want so badly to be the person I was the last time I walked into that building.  That last morning I worked, I worried about Henry all morning.  We had left him home with Grandma.  But we worried about him...he wasn't himself at all.  So we made that fateful doctor's appointment.  I emailed my secretary asking about getting the afternoon off...saying if I couldn't it wasn't a big deal...Tim could take Henry to the doctor.  I am so incredibly thankful for my secretary finding me a sub, and for my sub coming in.

I'm not sure how I will handle walking back in those doors.  But I do know that I work with the most supportive people, and I know that they will take care of me!  I know that my husband will check on me throughout the day.  I know that the kiddos are excited to have me back.  I know that my dogs will greet me happily at the door as soon as I get home.  I know that it won't be the same, but I'm hoping that it will be nice to be back (minus the COOOOLD morning duty...!)

Nostalgia

Tonight we had dinner at one of our favorite restaurants in our area - Buffalo Company.  They make the best buffalo chicken sandwich.  They were closed for renovation though most of my pregnancy, so we were extremely excited when they re-opened shortly after Henry was born.  In fact, it was probably one of the first restaurants we took him to.  Like most places we took him, the employees ooh-ed and aah-ed over Henry.  On that first visit, he was a sweet little angel...he fell asleep shortly after we got our food and napped while we ate (see the video below where he is trying to stay awake!)  On a later visit, he was a bit more...vocal.  On that visit, Tim and I had both eaten our sandwiches but we were still a little hungry, so we ordered some tots.  About as soon as we had ordered them, Henry started fussing.  Then he started wailing.  Everything we tried resulted in him screaming louder and louder.  Finally we asked that our tots be made to go, and we left as soon as they were ready.  Basically, Henry was telling us that it was HIS turn to eat!

We were feeling a little nostalgic walking into the restaurant tonight.  After we ordered, I started looking through my phone to see if I had any pictures from our previous visits.  I didn't find any pictures, but I did find a video of our first visit, when Henry was struggling to keep his eyes open.  This led us to looking through more pictures, and then led to a few tears.  When the employee brought our food, she asked us if we were the people with the "cute little baby."  Then, of course, we have that moment of panic...what do we say?  Tim told her that Henry had passed away, and then she had that moment of panic...what do I say?  She said she was very sorry, and walked away before her tears started falling.

These are the situations that remind us of just how far Henry's memory reaches.  We visited Buffalo Company perhaps a handful of times with Henry, but he left that lasting impression.  I hate that we have to tell people that he died...that we make other people sad...that we are so sad.  I hate all of it.  So instead, I will cling to the fact that this person who saw Henry no more than four or five times remembered him as a cute little baby.

Change

I started cleaning Henry's nursery this morning. I've slowly been "putting away" his things as I finally got around to cleaning our house. But putting his things away really meant putting them in the nursery and closing the door. So this morning I thought I'd finally clean up and organize this mess.

I got both diaper bags unpacked and put away, and that's about all I managed before I had to stop. I left the mess and closed the door once again. I'm just not quite ready to tackle the rest yet, and that's ok. I'll get to it slowly, on good days, and on bad days I can leave the door closed and walk on by.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm living on the other side of a door...like my "normal" life is locked away just waiting for me to get it together. Yet I know that my "normal" life will never be the same. And though I could try to keep the door closed, that isn't especially healthy. So I'll do the same thing I'm doing with the nursery. I'll face what I can face each day. I will know that although I can't ignore my feelings, I can deal with them as they come rather than trying to tackle them all at once. And then one day, the nursery will be clean and organized, and I won't feel quite so lost. 

Rough Day

Today is a rough day for me. I'm not sure exactly why. By that, I mean that I'm not sure exactly why today is tougher than any other day the last couple months. Maybe reality is starting to sink in a little deeper. Maybe it is the looming "going back to work" day. Maybe it's the start of a new year that is nothing like I was expecting just a few short months ago. Whatever it is, the hole in my heart seems a little bigger, a little more painful today. 

I'm still hopeful. I'm hopeful that going back to work will give me a focus, and that the kids will provide distraction. I'm hopeful that even though the year isn't starting out like I thought that it will still bring happiness in some way or another. I'm hopeful that we can work to raise awareness of childhood cancer and do things to help our community. 

Today I will let myself be sad. Perhaps tomorrow will be better, perhaps not. But I know that I can navigate these rough days. That is the strength that Henry showed me I have.