Purpose

I made the statement over the weekend that I needed a purpose. I continue to feel incredibly aimless. I go to work and I want to go home. I get home, and I want something to do. I wake up and I can't wait to go back to sleep, but at bedtime I find myself awake. It is a vicious cycle, and it's one I seem to be stuck in.

Before Henry was born, I was happy. I enjoyed my job, I enjoyed my free time which I filled with hobbies and activities with friends and family. Once Henry was born, I was even more happy. I enjoyed my time with Henry, and I enjoyed taking Henry to spend time with family and friends. I had worried that I would miss "me" time, but I really didn't. On occasions when I had "me" time I would look forward to seeing my baby. I went back to work and enjoyed that still, though I definitely looked forward to picking Henry up each afternoon.

But now that Henry's gone, I have trouble finding fulfillment in the things that used to make me happy. I go to work, but I don't find it quite as satisfying. I have trouble getting motivated to read, or take pictures, or other things that I've always enjoyed. I watch my TV shows, but it's more going though the motions than enjoyment.

I imagine in time these things will bring enjoyment once again. Perhaps one day I will realize that going through the motions has led to enjoyment, and I will find a purpose again...