Missing Henry

I am really missing Henry as life slows down a bit. We've been so busy the last month or two that, although I miss Henry every day, I had other things to focus on. Now life has slowed down (somewhat), and that feeling of emptiness and missing my boy is more intense. I want to be spending my spring break with Henry, playing and snuggling, visiting Daddy at work...the things I loved to do last summer when we were home together every day. My heart hurts, and there isn't much I can do to heal the hurt other than keep pushing through.

The happy and sad of moving

Today Tim and I finished cleaning out old house. As we drove away, I found myself feeling very mixed emotions. I am quite relieved to have it empty and clean, ready for its new tenants. And I'm happy to be making a fresh start. But I'm also a little sad to close that chapter of our lives. So I decided tonight I'd share a bit of these mixed emotions.

I always like to start with the "bad" and end with the good. What makes me sad: This was our first house...our first home as a married couple. We found this house right after we lost Brady. Tim had actually been watching for this house, and called about it while we were still in the hospital. Getting the house gave us something to look forward to, at a time when we really needed that! (A little déjà vu...) We went through a lot in that house...grieving Brady, grieving my mom, anxiously trying to get Henry here, and then getting to know Henry and learning how to go about this crazy thing called parenting. Then, of course, trying to find our way after losing Henry. Many tears were shed in that house, but many good times were had as well. I am happy to leave the tears behind, and bring the happy memories with us.

What makes me happy: Tim and I are now homeowners...we can truly make this house our home. We both already feel more comfortable in this house than I think we ever really did in the old house. True...we are now fully responsible for this house, and anything that might go wrong. But that also means that any improvements we want to make we can. We fit comfortably in this house, and we have plenty of room to grow as well. 

Now that the old house is done, we can really work on getting settled in. We can get the rest of the boxes unpacked, and then get pictures on the walls...get some memories up in this house to keep with us as we make new ones.

What Brady Taught Me

Today was Henry's big brother Brady's second birthday.  He was born into heaven on March 27, 2013.  My pregnancy with Brady was easy, up until it wasn't.  I didn't really have nausea, I was a little more tired than usual (and crankier, as Tim would attest!), but overall I felt well and had no complications.  That all changed on March 22.  We had my wedding shower at school that day, and I indulged in plenty of treats.  When I got home that evening, I didn't feel especially great, but assumed it was indigestion.  This indigestion kept me up all night, and I remember worrying that if I couldn't handle a little indigestion, how in the world would I handle labor?!  When Tim woke up on Saturday and I was still in pain, he insisted we go to the hospital and get everything checked out.  That's when we found out it wasn't indigestion, but was early labor.  As I explained last night, we spent time in the hospital, and Brady was ultimately born sleeping on March 27.

Although he was not with us long, Brady still taught me some important lessons.  As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I was no longer the most important person in my life.  All of a sudden, this little being, tinier than my fingernail at that point, was more important than anything else.  I started worrying right away...what if something was wrong?  What if I ate the wrong thing?  Had I had anything to drink before realizing I was pregnant?  As the pregnancy went along, I continued to worry...feeling solely responsible for this tiny being that I loved fiercely without every having met him.  So first and foremost, Brady taught me what is really important in life, and that being a mother is the best role I will every have.

Then, Brady taught me to enjoy the little things.  I remember clearly the first time I felt him move.  I was driving to Lincoln, cruising along on the interstate.  About halfway there, I felt a little flutter...almost like a gas bubble but distinctly different.  I immediately put my hand on my tummy...knowing that was our little duck in there.  That feeling of fierce love washed over me again every time I felt him flutter.  During this pregnancy, I got irritated at things like my growing belly, food not tasting the same, feeling tired...I saw these as annoyances rather than a blessing.  After losing Brady, I enjoyed every second of being pregnant with Henry.  I loved seeing my belly swell, feeling him moving around, even the indigestion and discomfort as he got bigger.  I knew not to take any of that for granted, and I thank Brady for that.

And Brady taught me how strong I really am.  Prior to having him, I never really thought about whether I was strong or not.  After losing him, I certainly doubted my strength.  Looking back, though, I know that I was strong.  I kept going.  I may have wanted to hide in bed, or in a blanket fort, but I kept pushing through.  I leaned on Tim, and family and friends, and kept living.  I was strong enough to have Henry, and strong enough to keep going after losing him.  No one wants to have to be this strong, but thanks to my boys I am.

I still wish that Brady (and Henry) were here with us.  I am thankful that he was big enough for us to hold, that we got to meet him.  I am thankful for the compassionate nurses and doctors that took care of us, and those that understood our high anxiety when we got pregnant again.  I am most thankful that since our boys can't be with us, they can be together, and one day we will be with them again.  Happy birthday Brady!

A different kind of #tbt

Two years ago...we were hanging out in a lovely room at Bergan-Mercy. We'd been in the hospital for several days, with what I initially thought was indigestion, but was actually early labor. We had an emergency cerclage, got discharged the next day, and ended up back at the hospital later that night. Over the next few days, the doctors and nurses worked to get the contractions to stop, but they never quite did. This was the first year I actually watched any March Madness...it was better than any other daytime TV!

Two years ago tonight my water broke. I'll never forget that moment when the resident came in, said there was in fact an infection, and that there was nothing else they could do but wait for our baby to be born. Since we weren't yet 24 weeks, he wouldn't be able to go to the NICU. Thus started a long night of labor, waiting, tears...

When you first become pregnant, you never imagine it ending like this...you never imagine walking out of the hospital with all the physical after effects of giving birth, but with no baby. You don't imagine planning a memorial for your baby who was born without ever taking a breath. You can't imagine the depth of pain or immense sense of loss. After such a loss, the innocent belief that being pregnant means you will bring home a baby is gone.

Yet even though we didn't bring home a baby, I didn't come away with nothing. I came away with a greater appreciation for enjoying every little moment. My relationship with Tim became so much stronger as we came together in our grief. And I realized how much it meant to me to be a mother.

Glass half-empty or half-full?

I used to be a very pessimistic person...always seeing the glass as half-empty. Tim's positive energy has been a little contagious. Since meeting him, I've become slightly more optimistic, though I still tended to see the glass as half-empty. Henry changed that. Since having Henry, I feel like I became more positive and optimistic. That's not to say I'm always happy, or that I don't still worry and get anxious about big and small things. But overall I've become more positive.

Today, though, I've felt like I returned to that glass-half-empty person. I woke up feeling anxious, though I have no idea about what. I've felt some bitterness creeping in. It's not directed at anyone, or a result of anything anyone else said or did. I just sometimes have those moments where I wonder why us? Why do we, who love being parents more than anything else, not have our boys here with us? Why do we, who put Henry first, and always wanted to do things with him, no longer get that time together? Why did we, who did so much to get Henry here in the first place, still lose him? There are no answers to these questions, and even if there were it wouldn't make me feel much better. I want my boys here, and anything short of that isn't enough.

I can't dwell in this bitter-land for long. It's exhausting, and depressing. But once in awhile I do end up visiting, and feeling sorry for myself, angry and bitter. But then my silly fur-babies will do something silly and make me smile or my husband will do something sweet that makes me feel loved. And remembering all the good things in my life helps...it doesn't fix everything, but it does help.

Time

Time is such a funny thing.  Saturdays and Sundays fly by, but the rest of the week can drag.  Summer months go quickly, but the months between Christmas and spring break seem to take forever.  Yet as a child, I remember how long summer seemed, and how ready I was to go back to school by August.  Now a school year seems so long, but by May it seems like it's flown by. 

Today marks 4 months since our little monster gained his wings.  At times, it seems like another lifetime that Henry was alive.  It seems like so long ago that I last saw his smile, last changed his diaper, last tucked him into bed.  Yet at other times, it seems like that was just yesterday.  I look at his pictures, and for a moment it seems like perhaps he's just taking a nap and he'll wake up any moment.  Similarly, it's hard to believe that it's been almost a year and a half since my mom left us.  Even though she and Henry never walked this earth together, she was still such a part of his life.  Her lessons came through me, and her legacy made me want to be the best mom that I could.

Moving makes time seem even less real.  I am typing this as I sit in our sunroom (see picture below!), and I can just picture my mom sitting out here with me.  (Although she would not approve of having the furniture facing the TV, rather than the windows!)  When I went out with the dogs the other morning, I sat on the deck and could almost see Henry toddling around the yard. 

Although neither Henry nor my mom are physically here in this house with us, their memories are ever present, and we carry them with us in our hearts.

Birthdays

I've been struggling lately with what to do for the boys' birthdays this year.  Last year, I was still on bedrest for Brady's birthday.  Luckily, I was at a point where I was allowed short outings, so Tim and I were able to visit Brady's grave, and eat at Famous Dave's.  (Famous Dave's is what Tim's family brought us for dinner the day Brady died, so we thought it was a fitting meal on his first birthday.)  This year, both boys' birthdays are on weekdays, and therefore work days.  Tim has time he can take off, but I, of course, am far beyond out of days off.  I struggle with that work-family-mental health balance...

This is something you never think about when you become pregnant.  You imagine birthdays, especially first birthdays.  Even when Henry was teeny, I imagined his first birthday...monster themed, of course.  I knew myself, and knew that I would want it all to be perfect - perfectly themed, perfectly decorated, perfect for our perfect one-year-old.  I imagined Henry, surrounded by family and friends, having no idea what was going on, but enjoying it nonetheless.  Months before Christmas, even, I was already trying to decide what Santa would bring Henry, and what Mommy and Daddy would get him for his birthday.

I don't even know where to begin planning a first birthday for our sweet boy who is no longer with us, or a second birthday for our firstborn angel.  Tim and I have talked about reading the Love Monster book we picked out at the book fair to Henry on his birthday, and eating at Buffalo Company since we have such good memories of eating there with Henry.  And on Brady's birthday we'll eat at Famous Dave's and visit Brady's grave.  I don't want these days to go unnoticed...un-celebrated.  Both of our boys deserve a celebration, even if they are no longer with us here on earth.

I feel a bit like I'm rambling, but that's how I've been feeling lately...rambling.  Moving from one thing to another, starting one project before finishing the previous one.  As first Brady's, then Henry's birthdays approach, I know this rambling feeling will continue.  But I also know we will figure out what works for us, and we will celebrate both of our boys.

Top Ten Things Henry Taught Me...#4

10. Anything worth having is worth working for.
9.  Enjoy the little things.
8.  Every child I interact with is someone's "Henry."
7.  To be a mother is to watch your heart walk around outside your body.
6.  There truly are angels on earth.
5.  Everyone is fighting some sort of battle we know nothing about.
4.  Time is a gift.
Time is the best gift we receive. Time with others, time to ourselves, time to live life...all of this is a gift. We were gifted with nearly 7 perfect months with Henry. I could easily get angry, and be furious that we only got 7 months with him. And I do have those moments. But I prefer to look at the 7 months we did have, instead of looking at the lifetime we didn't get.

From the moment he was conceived, Henry captured the hearts of all who knew him and knew of him. After losing Brady, we had so many cheerleaders, prayer warriors and well-wishers. When we were put on bedrest, our cheerleaders cheered louder, our prayer warriors prayed harder, and our well-wishers wished more. This, along with Nana and big brother watching over us, helped us carry Henry to term and welcome him into the world. His heart stealing was just beginning. His mohawk, sweet smile, and loving personality made everyone fall in love with him, especially Tim and I! We loved being his mommy and daddy, and he brightened our lives in a way we can't even explain.

Am I sad and angry that I don't get to see Henry grow up? Of course. Do I wish every day that Henry was still here with us?  Absolutely.  But I am also thankful that Henry's seven months on earth was spent at home. We got to have a happy, "normal" family. We didn't live at the hospital, splitting our time so that one of us could work and make money and carry insurance. Would we have done that if it had meant saving Henry? In a heartbeat. But we didn't have to. We got to enjoy our sweet boy in our own home...make memories that we will always have, and now we can remember Henry as a normal baby boy. We were given the gift of time with Henry.  It will never be enough, but I am so thankful for the time that we did have, and the memories that we made.

3.  Death is not the end of a relationship.
2.  You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
1.  Motherhood is the best job I could ever hope for.

Luck 🍀

I've never considered myself to be especially lucky...I don't usually win contests or games, my name doesn't get drawn in drawings, my life hasn't always followed the timeline I had in my head. Yet today, on this St. Patricks's Day, I find myself reflecting on luck, and what luck means to me.

I may not win at Bingo or get picked in drawings. But I am lucky in ways that matter much more. I found my perfect partner (or he found me!) I have a husband who truly loves me unconditionally despite my multitude of flaws. I have two fur babies who are always happy to see me when I come in the door, and who are always willing to snuggle. I have a job where I'm allowed, and even encouraged, to have fun and laugh. I have family and friends who look out for me, and don't give up on me. I have a beautiful house that I already feel is my home (even with boxes everywhere!) 

My biggest blessing is being a mom to the two most beautiful angels. I never knew how I'd do with being a mother...would I be able to put the needs of a child ahead of my own? Brady and Henry taught me how to do that, and showed me what true unconditional love is. So although I may not always feel lucky, I actually am. I am lucky enough to be the mother of two perfect angels!

Quiet Time

It's the quiet times when I miss Henry the most.  Since we started the home-buying process, we've pretty much been in go mode.  We've been packing, shopping, planning, running errands, cleaning, painting, carpeting, and moving.  In the last couple weeks, I don't think we've had an evening or a weekend day with nothing planned.  For someone like me, who craves down time, this has seemed challenging.  My fuse is shorter, my patience is lessened, my mood is volatile.  Tonight, I finally have a bit of quiet time.  There are certainly things I could be doing, but I decided to take an evening off, relax, watch a little TV, snuggle with the puppies.  But these are the times that Henry fills my mind most.

Of course, quiet time allows time for reflection, thinking, missing.  But I also think a reason I miss Henry more during these times is that quiet time with Henry was my favorite.  I loved taking him places and doing things with him, showing him off...  But even more, I loved just hanging out at home.  I left work every day and the drive to Carrie's seemed so long.  I loved Carrie and Henry's greeting as soon as that door opened.  I loved hearing about his day, chatting with Carrie, and getting Henry packed up and ready to go home.  I talked to Henry on the short drive home, asking him about his day.  Of course, he didn't say much back, but I loved this time together.  And when we got home, I loved just hanging out.  Henry would play in his jumper while I put things away...he bounced and watched as I moved around the kitchen.  Then he'd usually take a little nap (daycare is exhausting!) before dinner time.  Then came bath time, bedtime stories, and tucking him into bed.  It all seems so simple, yet I enjoyed every second.  It truly is the simple things in life that mean the most.

After relaxing tonight, I'll probably be back in busy, unpacking and settling in mode.  But every now and then, I'll make sure to take time to reflect, relax, and remember.  The best thing is that no matter how busy I am, Henry is always with me!

Moving Day

Today was moving day. And I hate moving! I think I would rather be a garbage collector...a fast food employee...work overnights...being a moving person would be just about last on my list. Luckily, we had great help. We hired a company to move the safe, dining room table and China hutch. Most of Tim's family and a couple friends were kind enough to spend their afternoon lugging our s**t from one house to another. We got almost everything moved within a few hours thanks to these amazing volunteers.

It's been a bit more of an emotional day than I was expecting. I've talked about how it will be hard leaving "Henry's" house, and the house my mom last saw. So I was certainly expecting some mixed emotions. I was doing okay until we started moving the nursery into the U-Haul. Each piece of furniture, each box, each item carries a memory of Henry. Luckily, we were packing all of these memories to take with us to the new house. But I still wish with all my being that we were not only moving Henry's things, but that we were also moving Henry. I wish I were frantically trying to get at least the crib set up so that he had somewhere to sleep...that I had to make sure the bottles were unpacked, and that he still had his treasured Mickey. I hate that we are "celebrating" Henry's 11 months by moving, but that he is not here. I am thankful my baby is happy and safe and watching over me, but I still hate that he's not here with us.

Now begins the settling in phase. We are making a fresh start, making this our home. We bring Henry with us everywhere we go, and this house is no exception. I look forward to hanging our favorite pictures, putting a few treasured mementos in special places, and making new memories. One day we will once again set up the nursery for a eagerly anticipated new arrival. Until then, we will enjoy our new home, enjoy our memories, and enjoy this special time with each other (and our crazy fur babies, of course!)

Top Ten Things Henry Taught Me...#5

10. Anything worth having is worth working for.
9.  Enjoy the little things.
8.  Every child I interact with is someone's "Henry."
7.  To be a mother is to watch your heart walk around outside your body.
6.  There truly are angels on earth.
5.  Everyone is fighting some sort of battle we know nothing about.
This lesson hit me about halfway through Henry's hospital stay.  I had gone home for my every-other-day shower, and needed to run to Target to grab a couple of necessities.  This was the first place I'd gone besides home and the hospital since Henry was admitted.  As I walked in the door, everything felt surreal.  I walked in, feeling like a completely different person than I had been the last time I entered a Target store.  Yet as I walked around the store, no one knew that my whole life had been turned upside down.  I was clean, dressed in clean clothes, looked like a normal person running a normal errand.  No one knew that I hadn't left a hospital for days, that I wasn't living at my house, that my son was still in the hospital, fighting for his life.  No one knew that we had received such a devastating diagnosis just days earlier.  I wasn't wearing a sign that said, "My son has leukemia and I don't know what the next minute, hour, or day will bring."  I wasn't carrying around this picture of Henry, and the battle he was just beginning.  (Even looking at this picture makes my heart hurt...he was so strong and fought so hard!)

As I wandered around Target and had this revelation, I thought of how often I judge other people.  I judge people who go to Wal Mart in their pajamas.  Yet I don't know their story.  Perhaps they were up all night with a sick child and ran out of Tylenol.  Perhaps they are living out of their car and don't have clean clothes available.  Perhaps they are just comfortable in their pajamas!  And that's just one example.  Since Henry got sick, I've tried to be much more patient and understanding.  I don't know what battles people are fighting, just like they don't know the battles I'm fighting.  I expect people to be a little more patient and understanding with me, and therefore I need to be more compassionate and caring toward others.  It's amazing how much even a smile can brighten my day, so that's what I should do for others.  It's just another way that I can carry on Henry's legacy of love and caring!

 
4.  Time is a gift.
3.  Death is not the end of a relationship.
2.  You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
1.  Motherhood is the best job I could ever hope for.

The "Stages" of Grief

Denial and isolation...anger...bargaining...depression...acceptance...the stages of grief.  These stages are not linear, nor do they occur in isolation.  Most days, I feel most of these stages all at once.  Some days, I make up my own stages.  It would be so much easier if these were linear, finite stages.  You go through denial and isolation, and then one day you wake up angry.  You remain angry until you get to bargaining, then you are depressed, and then you accept your new lot in life and you are done grieving.  Unfortunately, that's not how it works.

But then again, maybe that's better.  For instance, today I am angry.  I was looking at some of my posts last night, and I got mad, angry, pissed off that I am only able to see my son in pictures...that he is forever a baby.  I'm angry that I don't get to see him grow up, throw temper tantrums, make messes, develop and learn new things.  I'm angry that I am so on edge all the time, and that I'm running on empty.  I'm angry that other parents "get" to fret about their sick children or their naughty children.  (Just to be clear, I'm not angry AT other parents.  I'm just angry that I don't get those opportunities to worry about my child.)  And being angry is exhausting, especially when one is already exhausted.  So it wouldn't necessarily be a good thing to be stuck on anger for some finite period of time.

I am thankful that I don't feel angry all the time, or depressed all the time.  I'm thankful that even though I have my downs, I also have ups.  I'm thankful that I do have pictures and videos of Henry that I can look at or watch when I'm missing him.  I'm thankful that grief is ever-changing, that it is a journey, and that I don't get stuck in one stage or with one feeling.  And, as always, I'm thankful that I got to be Henry's mommy!

Running on Empty

I think I'm running on fumes these days. There has been so much going on, and so many projects we're trying to do before we move, that my energy is depleted. I need some space, some time, but I know that I don't have any in the near future. My fuse is short, so the littlest things set me off. Moving is always a stressful, and exciting, process. It's even more so when you're running on reserve power. I know this will all be worth it, that I'll look back and think that it was so silly to get so stressed. It's just getting to that time that is a bit challenging...

Dreams

The last two nights I've had dreams about babies.  A couple nights ago, I dreamed that we had a baby girl.  She was probably around the age Henry would be right now...nearing one year old.  The only thing in the dream I remember doing with her was feeding her.  She was sitting in her high chair, and I was feeding her.  I don't know what I was feeding her, but probably sweet potatoes, since that's what Henry liked.  As I was feeding her, she grabbed the spoon from my hand and wanted to feed herself.  This is exactly what Henry did one of the few times we tried food with him.  (He started getting sick right around the time we were starting to try foods, so we didn't get very far!)

Then last night, I dreamed that I had a newborn baby boy.  We were in the hospital, I had the baby in the morning, and then later that day I "had" to leave for a vacation.  Being a dream, I have no idea why I had to leave, I just know that I did.  Then we were on a bus (I think it was a cruise excursion) and people were sharing celebrations about themselves as we drove down the road.  I didn't even share that I had just had a baby, but someone else on the bus did.  Then I woke up.

Both dreams were strange, and left me feeling unsettled.  Not necessarily in a bad way.  Part of me feels like it's Henry's way of letting me know he's okay...that I'm allowed to go on with my life.  I miss my monster...and I always will.  But each day, I try to move on a little more...not to forget Henry, but to learn to live without him.

Conflicted

These days I am feeling so many conflicting emotions...it almost feels like I'm going a little crazy!  My biggest conflict is probably the house.  I am so excited to move into our new house...make it OURS.  We went over there to do some laundry yesterday and watched a movie in the "man" cave.  It was so nice to relax and enjoy the space.  It's been fun to slowly make it feel more like ours...painting, picking out new furniture, making the sunroom my sanctuary...yet with every step I feel Henry missing.  I picture him snuggled up on the cuddler piece of our new couch, watching the movie with us.  I picture him crawling around, exploring his new home.  I picture me getting cranky, trying to pack and be productive with an almost-eleven month old...I know it would be a different experience!  We are taking Henry with us, of course, but not the way I imagined.

Then today is our second anniversary.  I am so thankful to be married to such a wonderful man.  Tim is caring, kind, considerate, patient (for the most part!), helpful, dedicated, passionate...so many wonderful words describe my husband.  He has been my rock.  Our two years of marriage have had huge ups and downs.  I honestly can't think of a better person to have by my side...keeping me going...loving me.  I know that we have had happy times in our marriage, and we will have many more.  And I have to look at the sad times as times that brought us even closer together.  I hope that I bring my husband as much happiness and he brings me.

To celebrate our anniversary, here is a picture from our wedding day.  This was when we found out that Brady was a boy.  We had his ultrasound a few days before, but we had them seal the gender and we locked it in the safe!  Neither of us peeked, so we got to find out just after our nuptials, with our families, that our baby was a boy.  That, and, of course, the fact that I got to marry Tim, made that one of the best days of my life <3

Strength

So many times people tell us how strong we are, or, "I don't know how you do it." To be honest, most days I don't feel that strong. That's why this quote seemed so fitting. On the days that I feel weak, that I don't have the strength to get out of bed and go on with my life, I still somehow find the courage to do so. I find this courage and strength not only from within myself, but also from the love and support of those around me, as well as from the angels I have watching out for me.

Missing Henry

I'm missing Henry a little extra today.  I never know why some days are harder than others.  Maybe it's Henry reminding me that he's still with me.  I just miss his goofy grin, his easy-going personality, his funny noises, and his playful attitude.  When I miss him a little extra, I look back through pictures, and this is one I found comforting today.  Love you, little man!

Babies

Today I seemed to notice babies. A baby came to lunch at school today...a sweet little boy. I resisted the urge to walk over and snatch him up and snuggle him, especially considering I'd never met the adults with him before! (Kidnapping isn't necessarily a charge I need on my record...) Then we stopped at Nebraska Furniture Mart this evening, and on the way out there was a young toddler who was upset, crying real tears. He was well cared for, yet again the urge to scoop him up and snuggle him washed over me. Then I see pictures on Facebook of another sweet little boy who had his 16th (I think) surgery in his short two years today. His mama may be one of the most loving and dedicated mamas I know, and I still wanted to rush over and snuggle him too!

I cherish the snuggles I got from Henry. As he got a little older, he no longer wanted bedtime snuggles, preferring instead to put himself to sleep in his crib. But he certainly made up for this during the day. He'd snooze on me, or lay contently and rest. And in the middle of the night, or when he wasn't feeling well, he gave me all the snuggles I wanted. I am so thankful that Henry was a snuggler, and I miss those snuggles dearly. So for anyone who has a young baby when you need a nap, a shower, to make a coffee run...let me know. I am happy to come snuggle and play!! I'm not even scared of fussing or dirty diapers... :)

The house that Henry built

It's been another busy weekend. We've gotten some packing done, picked out the last bits of furniture for the new house, gotten some supplies for painting, and done some other odds and ends. It's so crazy to think that at this time tomorrow we will have the keys to our new house, and that we will be homeowners.

Like so many other things, this is in large part thanks to Henry. When Henry was a few months old, Tim and I got life insurance policies for ourselves...trying to provide security for our family in the event that something happened to one of us. During that process, we ended up getting a policy for Henry as well. We didn't do this because of potential lost income, or planning for funeral expenses. We did this to ensure that no matter what happened, Henry would always have at least a little life insurance. Should he get sick, or have some other condition that made him "uninsurable," at least he would have something. We never dreamed we'd be filing a claim to collect this insurance, and wish every day that we hadn't had to but rather were still paying the small premium each month.

But thanks to Henry, our amazing realtor and mortgage advisor, and to Tim for cleaning up some financial messes I made when I was younger, we are about to be homeowners. Of course I would rather stay in our rental for a couple more years, saving up for a down payment while raising Henry. But unfortunately that is not the case. I am grateful that we are able to make this move, to make a fresh start, and to begin making "the house that Henry built" our home.