The "Stages" of Grief

Denial and isolation...anger...bargaining...depression...acceptance...the stages of grief.  These stages are not linear, nor do they occur in isolation.  Most days, I feel most of these stages all at once.  Some days, I make up my own stages.  It would be so much easier if these were linear, finite stages.  You go through denial and isolation, and then one day you wake up angry.  You remain angry until you get to bargaining, then you are depressed, and then you accept your new lot in life and you are done grieving.  Unfortunately, that's not how it works.

But then again, maybe that's better.  For instance, today I am angry.  I was looking at some of my posts last night, and I got mad, angry, pissed off that I am only able to see my son in pictures...that he is forever a baby.  I'm angry that I don't get to see him grow up, throw temper tantrums, make messes, develop and learn new things.  I'm angry that I am so on edge all the time, and that I'm running on empty.  I'm angry that other parents "get" to fret about their sick children or their naughty children.  (Just to be clear, I'm not angry AT other parents.  I'm just angry that I don't get those opportunities to worry about my child.)  And being angry is exhausting, especially when one is already exhausted.  So it wouldn't necessarily be a good thing to be stuck on anger for some finite period of time.

I am thankful that I don't feel angry all the time, or depressed all the time.  I'm thankful that even though I have my downs, I also have ups.  I'm thankful that I do have pictures and videos of Henry that I can look at or watch when I'm missing him.  I'm thankful that grief is ever-changing, that it is a journey, and that I don't get stuck in one stage or with one feeling.  And, as always, I'm thankful that I got to be Henry's mommy!