Birthdays

I've been struggling lately with what to do for the boys' birthdays this year.  Last year, I was still on bedrest for Brady's birthday.  Luckily, I was at a point where I was allowed short outings, so Tim and I were able to visit Brady's grave, and eat at Famous Dave's.  (Famous Dave's is what Tim's family brought us for dinner the day Brady died, so we thought it was a fitting meal on his first birthday.)  This year, both boys' birthdays are on weekdays, and therefore work days.  Tim has time he can take off, but I, of course, am far beyond out of days off.  I struggle with that work-family-mental health balance...

This is something you never think about when you become pregnant.  You imagine birthdays, especially first birthdays.  Even when Henry was teeny, I imagined his first birthday...monster themed, of course.  I knew myself, and knew that I would want it all to be perfect - perfectly themed, perfectly decorated, perfect for our perfect one-year-old.  I imagined Henry, surrounded by family and friends, having no idea what was going on, but enjoying it nonetheless.  Months before Christmas, even, I was already trying to decide what Santa would bring Henry, and what Mommy and Daddy would get him for his birthday.

I don't even know where to begin planning a first birthday for our sweet boy who is no longer with us, or a second birthday for our firstborn angel.  Tim and I have talked about reading the Love Monster book we picked out at the book fair to Henry on his birthday, and eating at Buffalo Company since we have such good memories of eating there with Henry.  And on Brady's birthday we'll eat at Famous Dave's and visit Brady's grave.  I don't want these days to go unnoticed...un-celebrated.  Both of our boys deserve a celebration, even if they are no longer with us here on earth.

I feel a bit like I'm rambling, but that's how I've been feeling lately...rambling.  Moving from one thing to another, starting one project before finishing the previous one.  As first Brady's, then Henry's birthdays approach, I know this rambling feeling will continue.  But I also know we will figure out what works for us, and we will celebrate both of our boys.