Happy Birthday, Brady!!

The relationship between grief and time is a funny one.  You would think that, like with most things, grief would get easier with time.  And I would say this is partially true.  Living with grief day to day has definitely gotten easier...or at least we've learned how to deal with it better.  However, the special days...birthdays, anniversaries, holidays...don't seem to be getting easier. 

Up until a few weeks ago, I figured I would go to work today.  It's just another day, right?  I mean, sure, it's Brady's 4th (FOURTH??) birthday.  Four years ago today, we welcomed him and said goodbye to him all at the same time.  Four years seemed like enough time had passed that I could go on with life as normal today.  Thankfully, I listened to my husband and ended up taking the day off.  (He's been right several times lately...we have to try to keep that from going to his head!)  Now, was today awful?  No.  Was today even bad?  Not really.  But today was a day I could be selfish, take care of me, ignore the needs of the rest of the world, and remember my firstborn baby boy.  And as much as I thought I didn't need a day like today after four years...well, I did.

So instead of going to work, and adulting (yuck!) Tim and I spent the day together.  We had breakfast together...we brought flowers to the cemetery and read the boys a couple books (our birthday tradition.)  We had a doctor's appointment and got to see Grant (who is growing like a weed!!) which definitely lifted our spirits.  And we went to see Beauty and the Beast (which I LOVED.)  We will finish our day with dinner from Famous Dave's, as that's what we had brought to us the evening of Brady's birthday.

It wasn't a bad day...in fact, it turned out to be a pretty decent day.  It's certainly not the way I would have envisioned celebrating my son's 4th birthday, but then life doesn't always work out the way we plan and dream it will.  So we make the best of it...

Happiest of heavenly birthdays, Brady Leland!  You made me a mama, and taught me more than I ever would have expected.  I hope you're having a celebration with Nana, Henry and Hope!  We love you now and forever.  Happy birthday baby boy!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Four years ago (and it really doesn't seem that long ago!) I spent St. Patrick's Day grumpy and a little angry. The reason for these moods?? I couldn't indulge in green beer. Yup, I was angry because I was pregnant and couldn't enjoy my typical St. Paddy's Day beverage. Looking back, of course, it seems so silly. But then, isn't hindsight always 20/20??

This was one of many lessons Brady taught me. Yes, Brady...our one and a half pound miracle, taught me many lessons through his short life within me and his birth. This particular lesson was how precious time, and moments, are. True, I didn't get a green beer that year. But I did get to feel my son, my firstborn, kicking and moving around. I got to spend time with my husband, who did everything he possibly could to make me feel better. I didn't think then like I do now...that I have years to enjoy a green beer, but I'll only have this particular moment today.

So this year I'm not at all upset with the lack of adult beverages. In fact, I'm thrilled not to be enjoying any. Because that means that I am growing yet another miracle. What we have hoped and prayed for the last two years is finally real. And there's nothing that beats the little kicks that I feel...the round belly under my green shirt...I wouldn't trade that for all the green beer in the world!! And I have some pretty special angels to thank for this perspective, this gratitude, and this optimism I feel today. On this St. Patrick's Day, I am definitely the lucky one. ☘️