How Times Change

I know I mention Timehop a lot...as though I need another app to take up my time!  Luckily, it only takes a few moments of my day each morning, as I check to see what I was doing on this day in years past.  Today as I browsed through, I giggled a bit as it was quite obvious that my life has changed over the last several years.

Four years ago today, I posted, "I'm not sure I can handle The Office without Michael Scott..."  That tells me that four years ago, being single, out of school, and working, much of my free time was spent watching TV, and thus the departure of a favorite character on a favorite TV show was worthy of a Facebook post. 

Two years ago, it was a picture of Tim and I out riding the motorcycle (which at that time was still his crotch rocket.)  We were newly married, newly non-pregnant...probably trying to get out and clear our minds a bit.  We didn't have anyone at home we had to take care of (except a crazy cat, and she was relatively self-sufficient.)  No dogs to get home and let out or feed, or babies we needed a babysitter for.  Just the two of us...

One year ago, there was a slew of Henry pictures.  Pictures of me snuggling Henry, Henry making funny faces, Henry and mama visiting Daddy at work, Henry napping in his MamaRoo, Henry at his two-week checkup...  It's pretty obvious what life was all about one year ago - poor Sebastian didn't even make the list for one year ago today!  We were a non-traditional family of five...mom, dad, baby boy, grumbly dog, and angel boy.

It will be interesting to see what Timehop has to say one year from today.  Perhaps it will be a post of how nice the weather is, and how therapeutic it is to have the sun shining.  Maybe it will be a silly story about one or all three of our crazy dogs.  It could even be celebrating that I made it through the day, even though I was wearing my cranky pants.  ;)  I wish that it would be a post about trying to keep up with a one-year-old, or a picture of us playing in the backyard while Daddy grilled dinner.  I wish I were counting down to a summer of hanging out with my baby boy.  But I am thankful for the shining sun, the crazy dogs, and the sweet husband...even making it through a cranky-pants kind of day!

So...many...emotions

This journey called grief seems to be one of one step forward, about eighteen steps back. Some days I don't even blog, simply because I feel as though I continue to repeat myself. How many different ways can I say I feel empty? Unmotivated? Lost? Anxious? Yet most days I find a new way to describe how I feel. Something happens, or a memory resurfaces. Today was a bit of a combination of these.

This morning we participated in the March of Dimes March for Babies walk. The March of Dimes funds research and programs to decrease premature birth. We have had this walk on our radar since losing Brady, but this is the first year we have participated. I'm not sure what exactly I expected, but I did not expect the onslaught of emotions. There were so many people, and many families that had happy and healthy babies and children. It made me angry...not at those families or children...just at the circumstances. Why was our baby one that didn't make it? It made me sad...one of the statistics posted on the walk listed the number of babies born each year, and those born prematurely, those born with birth defects, and those that die before their first birthday. I am sad (devastated, really) to have babies in two out of those three categories. Oddly, I also feel grateful. I have had friends struggle with infertility and miscarriage. I have had two pregnancies and two perfect baby boys. Nothing in our medical history suggests we won't be able to have healthy children whenever we decide to try again. I am grateful that I am a mom...that I have experienced the wonders of pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood. 

All of these conflicting emotions are exhausting. My anxiety has been increasing, and my isolation (self-imposed) is becoming worse. It's harder and harder to socialize, to work, to be a functioning human being. I feel myself on edge almost constantly. Luckily, I have a patient and understanding husband who isn't giving up on me, and resources where I can get help. Thanks to a dear friend, I have the name of a therapist I have made an appointment with. I am not ashamed of seeking help...I am thankful that I have the resources to do so! As we continue this journey, I could definitely use continued prayers and thoughts. I know grief is a marathon rather than a sprint, and we are just beginning to find our way. I appreciate the positive energy that continues to flow our way!

Another #tbt

Just another sweet picture that came across timehop today...this is what Henry and I spent much of our summer doing, and I loved every second!! Occasionally while snuggling, I'd think about things I should be doing...picking up, cleaning, school work...none of it even came close to winning out over Henry snuggles! I am so thankful that I had nearly four months at home with Henry before going back to work (and that Carrie didn't mind that I spent all that time letting Henry nap on me rather than trying to get him ready for daycare and sleeping more independently!) I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it...I am glad that I put Henry first, and that I did appreciate the time we had. I honestly don't think that we could have enjoyed him more, even had we known how short our time together would be. I hope that's what people can take from our story...enjoy each other as though your days are numbered (since in all reality they are.) And on that somber note, here's a sweet baby picture to lift your spirits!

Hidden scars

I recently read an article relating the trauma of pregnancy and child loss to PTSD. I would never say that my trauma comes close to the trauma of those who have served in war zones or experienced violent or life-threatening situations. But I do believe the loss of a child is a trauma, the effects of which we have to learn to live with.

I have mastered acting...making people around me (and myself) believe that I'm okay, that I'm interested in what's going on around me, that I am invested in my work and relationships. Yet this facade hides the scars...the fact that my sleep is riddled with dreams and nightmares to the point that I wake nearly as tired as when I fell asleep. It hides the fact that I feel like a most worthless employee...doing the bare minimum to get by, and having anxiety each evening about facing another day. It also hides the fact that while I feel anxiety about going to work each day, I also feel anxiety about upcoming summer break...because without work, what will get me out of bed and dressed each day? It hides the fact that I feel most comfortable with my dogs, as they love me and ask almost nothing in return. It hides the fact that I feel so incredibly guilty for pushing people away and becoming a social hermit, but knowing I just don't have the energy to even check in with my loved ones (though I do try to at least respond when they reach out to me.) 

Scars take time to fade and heal, and these hidden scars are no different. I know that I am doing the best that I can, and that I am my own worst critic. I am surrounded by people who love me, take what I can give without asking for more, and are patient as I work to make it through each day. One day I know I will look back at this time with appreciation, knowing that it made me strong and will have brought me to wherever I am meant to be. Until then, I will take things one day at a time, and do the best I can each day. 

Reminders

Today has been one of those days filled with little reminders of Henry...some happy, some sad...some more overt others a bit more hidden.  For example, I woke to several pictures on Facebook of friends snuggling and enjoying their new babies.  My Timehop is filled with pictures of new baby Henry.  Then I got an automated phone call from Henry's first doctor reminding me to schedule his well visit check.  And when I got home, I noticed a bunch of orange tulips blooming in the middle of the backyard.

These reminders are bittersweet.  I absolutely love seeing pictures of mamas and daddies (and grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends...) with new babies!  My heart is happy for those families, and I can get a baby fix without being too much of a creeper.  But it also tugs at my heartstrings, knowing that just a year ago I was the one snuggling a new baby, and plastering pictures all over Facebook!  (But seriously...to all those new parents who happen to follow our story, keep posting those pictures - I truly do love seeing them!)  I know that for the foreseeable future, Timehop will make me happy and sad.  I enjoy the memories, but miss making new ones.  The doctor's office did get a (polite) phone call, asking to be taken off that automatic call list.  It was a bit strange...Henry hasn't seen that doctor since probably his 4 month check up, when Blue Cross Blue Shield and CHI divorced.  And we haven't had any other reminder phone calls.  The lady who answered my call was very nice and apologetic, and I imagine it won't happen again.  But it still left me shaky.  Finally, the tulips in the yard brought a big smile to my face.  I hadn't noticed them before...in fact, I thought that area of the yard, like much of our backyard, was weeds.  Now, it seems to me that Henry has claimed his spot in the yard, and sent a smile to his mom and dad.

In the end, I am thankful for these reminders, bittersweet though they are.  It means that my little boy will not be forgotten, that he has burrowed into my heart and claimed his spot!  Hopefully there are other children in our future, but they will never replace Henry (or Brady)...they will be able to tell the story of their sweet older brother, who brought love and laughter to the lives of so many.

Henry's Monster Birthday Celebration!

I've been working this week to put together a compilation of the birthday celebrations shared with us on Henry's birthday.  This video may not be of professional quality, but it is most definitely filled with love!  Thank you again to all of those who shared with us, those who thought of us and our monster, and helped make Henry's first birthday special, even if it wasn't what we envisioned his first birthday would be.  We are forever grateful to everyone who has followed us and supported us on this journey - thank you!
https://youtu.be/ljns_wz7690

Blanket Fort

Today I woke up, and I was not too excited to get out of bed.  When Tim got home from the gym, I told him I wanted to hide out in my blanket fort today.  Some days, being an adult is almost more than I can handle.  And this week has had more than its normal share of those days.  I knew Tuesday, Henry's birthday, would be hard.  But I didn't think about how it would exhaust me - physically, mentally and emotionally.  I didn't realize that I would wake up on Wednesday morning feeling like an empty shell.  I didn't realize that I would sleep better than I have in a long time on Wednesday night, and still wake up feeling tired on Thursday.  I didn't know that I would feel more normal on Thursday, only to wake up on Friday wanting to make my blanket fort.  It has definitely been a week of ups and downs.

The good thing is that I know that these feelings will not last forever.  I know the pain will always be there, but that it will dull and become much more bearable.  I know that nothing will ever replace the two boys we have in Heaven, but that we are taking steps forward. So today, at least, I'll be a grown up (grudgingly!) and enjoy the fact that it's Friday. 

Blessed

It continues to amaze me how much our monster is loved!  Today has not been an easy day.  Even when Henry was tiny, Tim and I had started picturing his first birthday party.  Of course, nothing was actually planned, but it was fun to think about.  What would the theme be?  Who would be invited?  Where would we have it?  What would Henry think?  We knew that first birthdays are mostly for the adults...the one-year-olds don't really know what's going on, but we enjoyed thinking about it.

We did not envision a first birthday quite like this.  A first birthday without the guest of honor.  A first birthday celebrated at the cemetery rather than in our home.  A first birthday without a gathering of family and friends in one physical place.  A first birthday with many many sad tears, rather than happy tears.  A first birthday where mom and dad took a nap because they were emotionally exhausted, instead of making sure the birthday boy got a nap so he didn't get too cranky.

Despite all of this, though, there is good in today.  We may not have had family and friends gather together physically, but we had family and friends gather together in spirit, and through social media, to celebrate one special little boy.  Orange balloons were released across the country, random acts of kindness happened, all because of Henry.  People are reminded that life is precious, to love on those babies (no matter how old they are!) and to enjoy the little things.  Teachers in many schools wore orange, released balloons, and had a birthday party for Henry.  Grandpa brought the celebration to Nana, even though she's having the fun up in Heaven with Henry!

Of course, I would give just about anything to have Henry here to enjoy the celebrations with us.  My heart physically hurts today, but I know that Henry is having a huge birthday party in Heaven with Nana and Brady.  It doesn't take away the ache, but it does ease the pain just a little.

We are working on compiling a video of all of the celebrations in honor of Henry (which we will share as soon as it is finished) - we have received so many pictures, videos, and messages in support of our family and in honor of Henry.  And because of this, we are truly blessed.  Thank you all for making an extremely difficult day a bit more bearable.  <3

A year ago...

It was almost exactly a year ago...a Sunday night, laying in bed watching TV (yes, we're that couple, in bed before 7:00!) when my water broke. It wasn't the flood like in the movies, but Tim's reaction was movie-worthy. We'd had a hospital bag packed since late January, when we ended up in the hospital overnight with not even a phone charger! Yet Tim rushed around the house, in circles, anxiously trying to grab everything (which was all in the hospital bag!) We got to the hospital in no time (once Tim was convinced we really did have everything), and I was already progressing quite nicely. Our family arrived, all of us (doctors included) expecting Henry to arrive before midnight.

Things never go that smoothly, of course. My blood pressure spiked, and the medicine used to treat that also slowed labor almost to a standstill. Thus our monster didn't make his appearance before midnight, but rather waited until the following morning. He was already one to do things in his own time!

I'm not sure what to expect of tomorrow, but I am planning to take it as it comes, feel whatever I feel, and, most of all, remember and celebrate the monster that stole our hearts from the moment we knew he was on his way ❤️

Remembrance Ceremony

Children's Hospital hosted a beautiful remembrance ceremony today, honoring and remembering children that were lost last year. I continue to be amazed at what Childrens's does for the families of their patients. We had a short stay, and yet received smiles, handshakes, and hugs from several of the doctors, nurses and staff that were part of Henry's care. In fact, as we first walked in we were greeted by one of the nurses who follows our page, then got a handshake from one of the PICU attending doctors, and a hug from one of Henry's oncologists. It is wonderful to know that there is such an amazing facility with outstanding staff right here in our community.

It was a tough ceremony for both of us. I think we're at a point now where we are able to compartmentalize our grief. It's still part of our every day, but it's no longer the focal point. We had a nice vacation, and have had many positive things to focus on lately. But the ceremony today, and Henry's upcoming birthday, bring Henry's loss back to the forefront. We both shed tears as we remembered our monster. The slideshow of all the children honored was humbling as well...so many lives cut tragically short. Some were tiny babies, toddlers, children, and teenagers. All of the families present suffered a terrible loss. Yet all are still breathing, still surviving, still living.

This week will be a tough one. We will have many conflicting emotions...happy remembering the smiles, snuggles, and milestones...sad thinking of what Henry would be doing today... Tim and I both mentioned how the remembrance ceremony program is not where you want to see your child's name. We want to see his name on a preschool graduation list, a kindergarten round-up list, a tee ball or soccer roster, a music program, a graduation announcement. As we move through this week, as always, we appreciate the prayers, thoughts, and support from our family, friends, community and followers. Thank you for being there for us!

(This is the picture we submitted for the slideshow...it just seemed to us to be classic Henry!)

Henry's Birthday

Henry's birthday is coming up on Tuesday (April 14). To celebrate, one of the things we are going to do is release orange balloons. We would like to invite any of our Monster's Mission followers to do the same, and share pictures or video on this page. We just thought it would be a fun way to celebrate and honor our little monster! (And we will post again for those like me who might forget by then!)

Easter

I had a beautiful post written about Easter, and how much God must love us to have willingly sent His Son to die for our sins. And I do believe that. But I woke up feeling much less positive and hopeful. I woke up feeling anxious, sick, angry, and most of all sad. Last Easter was Henry's first. His whole family gathered to celebrate his first holiday. Now, Henry was all of six days old, so he wasn't all that excited. But his family sure was. Henry was here, healthy and breathtakingly perfect. We finally felt like we could dream about his future...picture what he'd be like as he got older. We pictured taking him to meet the Easter Bunny, and the mischief he'd be getting into when he was almost one. All of us took turns snuggling this little bundle while we dreamed about his future.

So this Easter is hard. It's a first...our first Easter without Henry. And it's harder because we did get an Easter with Henry. Today, instead of celebrating such a beautiful day, I'm curled up in bed, just trying to talk myself into getting up. Once I get going I know the day will be better. But it's definitely a day when I can feel that something big is missing.

Motherhood

This has been floating around Facebook lately, and I love how true it is. Yet it also brings tears to my eyes when I see it, thinking about my boys and how much they taught me about being a mom in such a short time! And the crazy thing is that I would do it all again. Even knowing I would have lost Brady halfway through pregnancy, or knowing I'd only get seven months with Henry...I would do it again. It was worth the pain to get to carry my precious boys, to get to be their mother. And someday, I will do it all again. Nothing in life is guaranteed. All we can do is enjoy and appreciate what we have while we have it.

Top Ten Things Henry Taught Me...#3

10. Anything worth having is worth working for.
9.  Enjoy the little things.
8.  Every child I interact with is someone's "Henry."
7.  To be a mother is to watch your heart walk around outside your body.
6.  There truly are angels on earth.
5.  Everyone is fighting some sort of battle we know nothing about.
4.  Time is a gift.
3.  Death is not the end of a relationship.





As I was thinking about this lesson, I was looking at quotes about death and this one from Mitch Albom in Tuesdays with Morrie caught my eye: “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” Death is, simply, the end of a life.  Everyone's life ends at some point...some earlier, some later.  But although one's life may end, the relationships endure.  Henry may be gone, as is Brady, but I am still a mother.  None of my grandparents are living, but I am still a granddaughter.  My mother died, but I am still her daughter.  Love does not end with death, nor does the relationship you had with the deceased.


This is in some ways reassuring.  Henry is not here, not in my arms, but he is my son.  I carried him, birthed him, nurtured him and loved him.  And I will love him until the day I meet my death, when I will get to see him again.  Henry lives in my heart, his daddy's heart, the hearts of everyone who loved him.  I can't call my mom on the phone (which isn't so bad...she usually screened her calls anyway!) but I can still talk to her.  I can sit in my sunroom, and feel her presence.  She lives on in my heart, and in the stories that I will tell my children about their nana.  We never got a chance to know Brady, but I'm still his mama too.  I carried him for nearly 23 weeks, heard his heartbeat, saw his perfect little body, felt his flutters.  His story lives on through us as well.


Although we have all had loved ones die, we haven't truly lost them.  They continue to watch over us, reside in our hearts, and live on in stories and memories.  They are with us every moment of every day, even though we can't see them.  And for me, and my beliefs, I believe that someday I will see these loved ones again.  That doesn't make death and grief easy, but it is reassuring to know that although our loved ones have gone, the relationship endures.

2.  You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
1.  Motherhood is the best job I could ever hope for.