Hidden scars

I recently read an article relating the trauma of pregnancy and child loss to PTSD. I would never say that my trauma comes close to the trauma of those who have served in war zones or experienced violent or life-threatening situations. But I do believe the loss of a child is a trauma, the effects of which we have to learn to live with.

I have mastered acting...making people around me (and myself) believe that I'm okay, that I'm interested in what's going on around me, that I am invested in my work and relationships. Yet this facade hides the scars...the fact that my sleep is riddled with dreams and nightmares to the point that I wake nearly as tired as when I fell asleep. It hides the fact that I feel like a most worthless employee...doing the bare minimum to get by, and having anxiety each evening about facing another day. It also hides the fact that while I feel anxiety about going to work each day, I also feel anxiety about upcoming summer break...because without work, what will get me out of bed and dressed each day? It hides the fact that I feel most comfortable with my dogs, as they love me and ask almost nothing in return. It hides the fact that I feel so incredibly guilty for pushing people away and becoming a social hermit, but knowing I just don't have the energy to even check in with my loved ones (though I do try to at least respond when they reach out to me.) 

Scars take time to fade and heal, and these hidden scars are no different. I know that I am doing the best that I can, and that I am my own worst critic. I am surrounded by people who love me, take what I can give without asking for more, and are patient as I work to make it through each day. One day I know I will look back at this time with appreciation, knowing that it made me strong and will have brought me to wherever I am meant to be. Until then, I will take things one day at a time, and do the best I can each day.