This morning we participated in the March of Dimes March for Babies walk. The March of Dimes funds research and programs to decrease premature birth. We have had this walk on our radar since losing Brady, but this is the first year we have participated. I'm not sure what exactly I expected, but I did not expect the onslaught of emotions. There were so many people, and many families that had happy and healthy babies and children. It made me angry...not at those families or children...just at the circumstances. Why was our baby one that didn't make it? It made me sad...one of the statistics posted on the walk listed the number of babies born each year, and those born prematurely, those born with birth defects, and those that die before their first birthday. I am sad (devastated, really) to have babies in two out of those three categories. Oddly, I also feel grateful. I have had friends struggle with infertility and miscarriage. I have had two pregnancies and two perfect baby boys. Nothing in our medical history suggests we won't be able to have healthy children whenever we decide to try again. I am grateful that I am a mom...that I have experienced the wonders of pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood.
All of these conflicting emotions are exhausting. My anxiety has been increasing, and my isolation (self-imposed) is becoming worse. It's harder and harder to socialize, to work, to be a functioning human being. I feel myself on edge almost constantly. Luckily, I have a patient and understanding husband who isn't giving up on me, and resources where I can get help. Thanks to a dear friend, I have the name of a therapist I have made an appointment with. I am not ashamed of seeking help...I am thankful that I have the resources to do so! As we continue this journey, I could definitely use continued prayers and thoughts. I know grief is a marathon rather than a sprint, and we are just beginning to find our way. I appreciate the positive energy that continues to flow our way!
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