Withitness

At our training last week, we talked about "withitness."  In teaching, this means being aware of what's going on in the classroom.  You may be working with a small group, but you still know what the rest of the class is doing.  It's the eyes in the back of the head phenomenon...that trick that teachers and moms are so good at.

In my work life and my home life, I am struggling with withitness.  Don't get me wrong, I'm aware of what the kids are doing - it's hard not to be!  And they actually help me to be more "withit."  But it's the little things, the day to day things that I struggle with.  The things I once had so organized that aren't anymore.  And even worse...I don't even really care that I'm not organized.  At home, it took me three days to get one load of laundry done, and it didn't bother me at all.  My breakfast dishes from Monday are still sitting in the sink (well, they would be except my loving husband took care of them for me.)  Even shopping, which is typically one of my favorite things, holds no allure.  My clothes are all now ridiculously big, and I can't drag myself out of the house to get new ones.

Even when Henry was here, I struggled with being "withit."  When I was at work, I couldn't wait to pick him up from daycare.  When I was at home, all I wanted to do was snuggle and play with Henry.  So the little things still didn't get done, and still didn't seem so important.  But now my struggle is that I'm missing my purpose.  When Henry was alive, my purpose was to be a mom, and I LOVED that purpose.  I still was a teacher, and a wife, and those were important roles as well, but the role of mom took center stage.  The little things didn't get done, because I had more important things to tend to.  So now I tend to my husband (although he takes much better care of me than I do of him), and the dogs.  I try to be social, although I would rather just hide at home.  I go to work, and let the kids make me smile.  I go through the days, still learning how to go on with such a big hole in my heart and in my life.