Grief

Grief is hard.  Grief is work.  Grief never ends.  Grief is confusing...it makes me feel weak, yet it has also made me strong - stronger than I thought possible.  Grief is sneaky...sometimes hitting you when you least expect it.

As we come upon two years, I expect this time of year to be hard.  Throughout most of the rest of the year, I can go about my life, enjoying things, enjoying people.  Sure, there are still tough days...birthdays...holidays...random days when memories pop into my head.  But overall, I feel like a normal human being.  This time of year, I feel nothing like a normal human being.  I don't especially want to interact with people, but I don't especially want to be alone with my thoughts either.  I don't want to go to work, but I have no motivation to do anything at home.  I have a hard time focusing on anything...chores, reading, TV shows, to-do lists.  In fact, it feels almost as though I have been transported back two years, and those feelings are the ones I'm feeling again.

And that's the nature of grief.  You can go along through life feeling just fine until BAM, a memory surfaces or a date rolls around.  I understand that, and I know that, but I don't like it!  I also know that part of grieving is embracing these feelings rather than trying to avoid them.  That's easier to do in the days when grief is new and you feel nothing else.  It's harder to accept now that I know good days and happiness still exist.  So as we move through these difficult days, I will try to accept these feelings as I remember our sweet baby boy.  But I will also remember that there are more good days ahead.

Thank you to everyone who has given me the grace to feel what I need to feel...for understanding that peopling is hard...and for reminding me that I'm not in this alone.