Real Talk

All right, guys...here's some real talk.  I have been in a complete and total funk these last couple days.  I have been unusually cranky and grumpy...constantly either on the verge of tears or an outburst of anger.  At first, I thought it was just the back-from-vacation let down...the back to reality blues.  And I certainly think that's part of it.  But the bigger part, I realized the other day, is that we are gearing up to celebrate our first born's third birthday this weekend.  That's right...THREE years ago, our oldest son Brady was born and passed away on the same day.  We should be planning a party...I should be in full panic mode trying to make sure the house is presentable and all the details are taken care of...a theme appropriate for a three-year-old boy should be in place.  Instead, we're ordering flowers for his grave site.  I'm not out shopping for the latest and greatest toy, but rather trying to decide what book to take to read to him at the cemetery.  That's not exactly your normal birthday party planning, and I'm pretty sure that is much of what has me down in the dumps.

Add on to that uncertainty in other areas of my life...work stress...getting pregnant stress...I guess it's no wonder I'm a little grumpy! I almost feel as though I'm at a crossroads, but I can only see what's behind me.  Everything in front of me is just a fog.  And I don't know about you, but not being able to see clearly drives me nuts!!

What I'm trying to do, to dig myself out of the dumps, is to find reasons to smile.  Like yesterday, I asked the dogs of they were hungry (because yes, I talk to my dogs as though they're people) and Charlie hopped around and howled in his tiny chihuahua body-shaking "howl".  I laugh at Bruce Banner, the hamster, who has piled much of his bedding under his wheel, where he now prefers to snooze.  I smile as I find myself actually engrossed in a book for the first time in quite awhile. I giggle as my DVR fills up with sports documentaries that my sister got me hooked on.

To sum up...yes I'm down in the dumps.  No, I don't plan to stay down here forever.  Yes, I still have many reasons to smile and be happy and grateful.  And, even though I often have to remind myself, it's OKAY to feel this way.  Not every day is filled with rainbows and butterflies, but that's life.  So I'll sulk my way through this funk, and hopefully will soon find myself out the other side.