Life as a Twister

Last night I had a dream...or maybe a bit more of a nightmare.  I dreamed that I was at home by myself, waiting for my family to call and let me know where to meet them for dinner.  As I was puttering around the house, doing little chores, I walked over to the sink to work on some dishes.  By the time I got to the sink, I could feel a change in the air, and looking outside the weather was pretty nasty.  Before I could take more than a couple steps toward the basement, I was sucked up into what I assume was a tornado.  As I swirled around, I looked for the dogs and could only see Sebastian.  So I reached out for him (as he reached his paws out toward me) and pulled him in tight.  There I was, clutching one of my dogs, swirling around in a twister.  You might assume that I was feeling panicked...but I wasn't.  I was definitely anxious, wondering what would end up happening, but I closed my eyes, breathed deeply...and then I woke up.  (Still very tense and hugging myself tightly, although Sebastian was not actually in my arms.)

I feel like this dream is a metaphor for my life as it stands currently.  There is so much up in the air...we're trying to get pregnant but haven't yet, and we aren't sure what the next step is (that comes next month if we fail to conceive)...and a couple other things that are undecided for the future but that I'm not currently at liberty to discuss (having nothing to do with pregnancy or our marriage!)...okay, it's mostly just those few things.  But to be fair, those are some pretty major life-changing events.  And, by nature, I am a worrier.  I have been worrying for nearly a year now about when we will get pregnant...and how it will all play out...and if I will end up on bedrest...and how will I deal emotionally when asked if this is my first pregnancy and when I answer no, followed up with how many kids do we have...  I don't worry about this every second of every day, and it doesn't even bother me every day.  But it is always in the back of my mind, no matter how much I try to put it aside.  I've also been worrying about other changes in my life lately...then I tell myself to take it one day at a time, which works momentarily, but then my mind starts to wander and wonder once again.

Although I was up in a twister (in my dream), I was not panicking.  Sure, I was a bit anxious, but who wouldn't be?!  I believe that what I need to take from this is to just keep breathing (although probably with my eyes open, since if I closed them I'd be asleep in seconds), and trust that everything will work out for the best.  It's hard...being a control freak, and trying to be okay with not being in control.  I want to know what exactly is going to happen, when exactly it will happen, and how exactly it will happen.  But life is most definitely not like that.  It's hard...as I use envisioning my future sometimes to cheer myself up or calm myself down...and I can't exactly envision what my near future holds.  So instead, I need to breathe deeply, tell myself it will all work out, have faith, and in the moments when I feel myself start to spiral out of control I need to lean on those around me for support and strength.  (Consider that your warning, family and friends...you never know when this crazy lady will be leaning on you!!  But thank you in advance for helping to keep me upright!)