Wonders and Dreams

Tonight Tim and I were enjoying some fine dining at our local Hy-Vee (it's hard to beat getting 10 cents off in Fuel Saver just for eating some tasty Chinese food...) when we ran into our dentist, and his two-year-old grandson named Henry.  This Henry was a sweet little blond boy, and he seemed quite happy to be hanging out with his grandpa.  As we watched them walk away, I realized that this Henry must have been born not that much earlier than our Henry.  It blew my mind a bit to realize that were Henry still with us, he could be walking around Hy-Vee with us, talking a bit (some that we might understand, much of which we wouldn't), and, of course, still making people smile.

Sometimes, it seems like a whole different life in which we had Henry, and Brady, with us.  Other times, it seems like it was just yesterday.  When I hold a baby that is anywhere between newborn and six months, it feels like yesterday.  When I see a two year old toddling around the store, it seems like another lifetime.  We're coming up on Brady's third birthday next month...and Henry's second birthday the following month.  When I think of it that way, it's hard to wrap my head around it.  I held my soon-to-be three year old in my arms for probably about an hour.  And I had the privilege of loving on my soon-to-be two year old for six months.  But those are all the earthly memories I have of my two oldest boys.  Never will I create memories of watching Henry toddle around the store, or of Brady meeting his younger brother.  Never will I send either of them off to kindergarten, high school, college.  I won't see either of them walk down the aisle, or welcome their own children.

When I think of it like that, it's enough to send me down that dark hole.  It's okay to miss making those memories, but then I have to remind myself of how lucky I am that I was chosen to be Brady's and Henry's mama.  I got to feel both of them grow and kick around inside me.  I got to hold them both in my arms.  I got to cherish all of the little moments.  And I will never see them get hurt, or have their heart broken.  Even better, how many moms can truthfully say that their children are perfect?  I can say that in complete honesty.  Of course, I would have loved to see them grow and develop and learn.  But instead, they are in the most perfect place, playing together, while they wait for us to someday join them.  And one day, perhaps (hopefully) not too far in the future, they will not only watch over mom and dad, but a new sibling as well.