Fear...

Tonight I'm thinking about fear, and how life changes and molds our fears. When we are young, we fear monsters in our closets, thunder, getting coal in our stocking for Christmas. As we go through school we fear not fitting in, failing, not making the team. Then comes adult fears...not getting a job, bills that are bigger than a paycheck, moving out on our own. These are fears most people face at one time or another.

Since losing Brady and especially Henry, my fears have changed. I still fear bills...medical bills especially. But we have wonderful people helping us ease this fear. I don't fear not getting a job, but I do fear going back to my job. I'm afraid I will have a hard time caring a lot about my work, and I'm afraid an innocent kiddo will ask an innocent question that will hurt. I'm afraid of having to be a functional adult. 

One fear I am working very hard to avoid is the fear of being happy. Over the last couple years it seems that every time I'm happy about something, life intervenes. I met Tim, then found out Mom had cancer. I got engaged and married, then lost Brady. I got pregnant again, then lost Mom. We had a happy little family, then lost Henry. I haven't let myself dwell on this too much, because it's a fear I don't want to acknowledge. I have faith that we will be happy again, that someday our family will grow. I can't live a life where I'm afraid to be happy! And even if it is scary, I definitely won't let these fears control me.