Lost

Originally posted on CaringBridge on December 5, 2014 6:56pm

Someone who loses a spouse is called a widow/er.  Someone who loses their parents is called an orphan.  Someone who loses a child is called...  There is no name or label for someone who loses a child.  Yet it is just as life-altering as losing a parent or a spouse.  Every part of our day has changed.  We sleep in (slightly.)  We can go to the store whenever we want, without regard to nap times or feeding times.  We don't schedule our evenings around which night is bath night.  We can go get ice cream at 8:00 without one of us having to stay home because the baby is in bed.  On paper, life seems more convenient without a baby in the house.  And logistically, perhaps that is true.

However, I now feel like I'm missing part of myself, like part of my identity is gone.  For 7 wonderful months (plus the nine months I was pregnant) my life revolved around Henry.  I was a mom.  Now, many would say that I am still  mom, and I certainly don't disagree.  But I'm a mom without a child to take care of, and that's not quite the same.  I do take solace in knowing my two boys are playing together, and that Nana (my mom) is watching over them.  I have to think about things like that to get me through the day.  And though that gives me comfort, I still selfishly wish that Henry were still HERE, playing with ME, snuggling in MY arms.

I am so thankful for the seven wonderful months we had with Henry.  I'm thankful that we spent as much time with him as we could, that we enjoyed every moment.  I'm thankful that even when he would be fussing at 3 a.m., I thought to myself how wonderful it was that I got to rock my baby and soothe him.  I'm thankful that we took opportunities to share time with family...whether that was enjoying the Italian festival or pumpkin patch locally, or the beach in Florida.  As thankful as I am for the time we had together, however, I will always wish we had more.