Worthless

A little disclaimer...which really goes for any of my posts...I am not writing this for sympathy or pity...I'm just writing to share my feelings, which are a little sad this morning.  I hope all of my posts are taken at face value - "it is what it is" -

This morning I woke up feeling pretty worthless...in many ways.  My most important job, being a mom, has been yanked away from me.  I am still a mom, of course, but I am not a mom with day-to-day tasks of taking care of a child or children.  My children are happier than they ever would be on earth, but I miss being the one to take care of them, and tend to their needs and their happiness.  This feeling of worthlessness carries over into my job that I actually get paid for.  I feel like I am not even close to fulfilling my duties to the best of my ability.  As with everything, I go through the motions, but I am not fully invested.  I feel as though I'm letting the students and the staff down - making their jobs harder by not being fully invested in mine.  Luckily, this feeling comes from within only.  I work with the most amazing people, and no one has ever made me feel as though my best isn't good enough.  So at least I just have to deal with my own feelings of inadequacy, and not judgment from my coworkers!

I feel like I'm a worthless wife, daughter, friend... I am so absorbed in my own feelings that I have a hard time looking outside of myself to see what's going on with the people I care about.  Most of the people I care about are very understanding, and are not expecting things from me.  My husband is absolutely amazing.  Even in the depths of his own grief, he takes care of me, and wants to make me smile.  Yet he allows me to be sad or down or uninvolved.  He is 110% there for me.  My dad and my sister check in on me, but they don't expect to hear from me on a regular basis.  Yet they are always there when I do reach out.  My friends have also been amazing - continuing to invite me to do things, but never making me feel like I have to do things, or making me feel bad for not getting together.  I, of course, feel bad.  But true to the pattern, that's a feeling of my own making, not anyone else's.

There have been a few instances where my best isn't good enough.  And I am at a point in my life, and in my grief, where I have to allow myself to be selfish...to do what I need to do for myself without worrying about others.  Those that truly care will understand.  This is hard for me.  Although I tend to be a selfish person, I also am a pleaser.  I want those around me to be happy, and I have a hard time when I know I let people down.  But right now, when I struggle to get out of bed, and to even go through the motions, I have to accept that some people will not be okay, and I can't take on that emotion and responsibility.  At this point, I can only be responsible for myself.

As with everything since Henry died, this is a process...a journey.  Thank you to everyone who is standing by us through this journey...all of you who haven't give up on us!  We will make it through, of that I have faith.  I can't predict when we'll get to the other side...when we'll feel more like ourselves, feel like being more social, feel less worthless, but I know that time will come.  In the meantime, we are doing our best, and that's all we can do.