My mama

I visited with a therapist through our employee assistance program the other night. It was helpful, and counseling is something I plan to continue for awhile, at least. I may seek someone more specialized in grief counseling (any recommendations??) but I do feel that talking with a professional will be beneficial for me.

One thing this therapist asked me, when I said that I miss my mom especially lately, is, "What would your mom be saying to you now?" At the moment, I wasn't sure I could answer, but that question has been rumbling around my mind the last couple days.

I think most importantly, my mom would want to make sure I'm taking care of myself physically...eating (I'm trying), sleeping (I do plenty, though I'm not sure of the quality), and maybe even exercising (which I'm not doing, but think it would be helpful). But in addition to that, Mom would want me taking care of myself mentally and emotionally. She would make sure that I was taking my antidepressant (which I am), and would probably advise that I find a therapist (and knowing her, she would've done the legwork to help me find one!) She would ask if I'm doing what I need to do for me...trying to make sure I was focused on what I need, rather than what I perceive others need or expect of me. She would have kept an eye on me from afar...not wanting to intrude, but wanting me to know she was there whenever I needed her or wanted her to be.

Although she's not here physically, I think she is keeping an eye on me. I "hear" her voice and advice, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job of listening. Sometimes I think my mom knew me better than I know myself...we are very much alike in many ways. Thankfully, she taught me a lot about taking care of myself, and not being ashamed to seek help when I need it (whether through therapy, medication, or a combination of the two.) It took me awhile, but she taught me that depression is a "physical" ailment just like so many others, and that there is no shame in treating it. If I had diabetes and needed insulin, I wouldn't feel bad about that, so why feel bad about needing medication to even out chemical imbalances? I am grateful to my mom for this, and so much more. Thanks to her guidance and lessons, I know that grieving (and depression) affects my whole self, and that I need to take care of my whole self, especially now.