Like so many things, this has changed. Things that I would have worried about before (like the Book Fair that's coming up in just a few weeks, or packing and moving our house full of "stuff") really aren't bothering me. I've even called and made a couple of my own appointments, which typically I'd make Tim do. Yet other things have been causing me anxiety...things that not only never bothered me, but I also used to look forward to. The things that give me anxiety these days are social gatherings. Friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, big or small...it doesn't matter. The thought of going out into public and interacting socially makes me incredibly anxious.
It's hard to pinpoint why this bothers me so much. Once I get out and meet up with people, I'm fine, and I usually even enjoy myself. I think it's the anticipation...the worry about having to be "normal." The worry about what to say and what not to say. Is it weird if I talk about Henry? Or is it weird if I don't? The worry about being present and participating in conversation about anything besides Henry, which is just about all that's ever on my mind. The worry about trying to be even a shadow of my old self...all of it is absolutely exhausting.
No one has put any expectations on me, and most people understand if I'm not as talkative, energetic, or smiley as I once was. I understand, too, and know that it takes time. But that knowledge and understanding is in my head, while the anxiety resides in my heart. And the disconnection...worry...anxiety...it's all exhausting. So thank you to everyone who has been and continues to be patient with me...as I continue to try to be patient with myself.
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