Happy

Once upon a time, I was happy.  Actually, once upon many times I was happy.  I was happy when I graduated college, and got a job.  I was happy when I traveled to warm places with friends, and with family.  I was happy when I met Tim, and realized I found a man that I could spend my life with.  I was happy when we got married, and started our life together.  I was happy when we moved into our first house together (even if it was a rental.)  I was happy when we traveled together, and when we did things around town together.  I was happy when we found out we were pregnant again.

Once upon a time, I was also sad.  I was sad when I broke up with boyfriends.  I was sad when I moved away from home.  I was sad when I lost family members...my uncle, my grandma.  I was sad when my sister moved away (even if it gave me someplace lovely to visit!)  I was sad when I went through a rough patch at work, and dreaded going to work every day.

And, once upon a time, I was devastated.  I was devastated when we lost Brady.  I was devastated when we lost my mom.  And I'm devastated from losing Henry.  I think it's even more devastating that all of this has happened in less than two years.

I miss being happy.  In fact, I miss just being "okay."  I miss the days when having a rough day at work or running out of money before the end of the month was the worst I had to deal with.  I'm working on it...I blog...I get up and go to work every day...I've made an appointment to see a counselor...I keep taking my little blue "happy" pill daily...I've been keeping a gratitude journal, forcing myself to find the good things in life...and it's exhausting!  I know it takes time, and work and energy, and I know that I'm doing what I need to do to get through each day.  And one day, I'll look back, and see that all of that time, work and energy was worth it...that I'm back to being "okay."