The Green-Headed Monster

Jealousy...it's not a pretty feeling. It's ine we try to hide...to avoid acknowledging. Growing up, I was jealous of my friends who got the newest toys or were wearing the best brand name clothes. As I grew up, I was jealous of my friends who got brand new cars on their 16th birthdays. In college, I was jealous of all my friends who were getting engaged and married.

These days I'm jealous of things most people would never envy. I am jealous of friends with sick babies. I wish I had a sick baby to snuggle and worry over. I am jealous of friends whose babies are in the hospital. I wish I had something that important to get me out of bed every morning. I am jealous of my friends who are pregnant and uncomfortable. I would love to be up all night tossing and turning, trying to get comfy with a big belly. I am jealous of friends who are walking zombies because their little one kept them up all night. I wish I had something (other than my dogs barking) waking me up at night. I am even jealous of my fellow grieving parents who can't fully grieve because they want to be strong for their surviving child(ren).

Jealousy is a part of grief we often ignore, or avoid talking about. But it's one that is just as real as sadness, anger and despair. As grieving parents, especially, we want what all other parents have...a child to love. Even parents with surviving children may be jealous...they wish their surviving child or children could still interact with their dead child. They want their family to feel whole, instead of always feeling that missing piece. But we don't want to admit that we are jealous...it's not a feeling we want to have.

Instead of dwelling on jealousy, and wishing for things I don't have, I continue to try to focus on what I do have. Thinking back, if I had gotten all the best toys or a brand new car, I would not have appreciated having these things. (And believe me, I very much appreciated my 1984 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme that I got after I turned 17!) Had I gotten engaged and married in college, I probably would either be unhappy or divorced by now. We all know things happen for a reason and at just the right time, though that is not especially reassuring when you so desperately want something. So instead of dwelling on that, I appreciate my fur babies, my wonderful husband, and even "my" 400 kids at school. And until I can snuggle a baby of my own, I live vicariously through all the wonderful moms and dads that let me ogle over their sweet babies!