Issues

I'm sure it doesn't come as any surprise that I have issues.  To be fair, I've had issues since long before I had and lost babies, before I was married, even before I was an adult.  Sometimes my issues are simple...I'm hungry but I don't know what to eat, or I'm tired but I'm too lazy to move to bed from the couch.  Other times my issues are slightly more complex...moving, deciding whether or not to change jobs, deciding to go back to school.  And then there are times that my issues are completely emotional...sadness, despair, despondency.

Today, and lately, I've definitely been dealing more with the latter set of issues.  The last few weeks have (finally) been relatively quiet.  After a busy summer and an even busier start to the school year, things seem to have settled down.  This should make me very happy.  I'm usually happiest when my calendar is relatively blank...when I can come home from work, put on sweats, cook dinner, and chill in front of the TV.  And I love the blank weekends...a blank slate to fill with football, maybe a beer or two, and then the essentials like grocery shopping and laundry.  But I'm starting to feel a little restless...a little lost with all of this free time.  This is where my issues come in.

I don't want to have a busy schedule, and when I do have commitments I usually don't want to keep them.  But when I'm home, with a glorious day stretching ahead of nothing planned, I start to get restless, stir crazy, and even a little bored.  Even when watching football, my mind starts to wander, and wonder what else I could be doing.  Yet I'm too lazy to actually DO anything.  Do you see the dilemma?  Like everything else, I'm trying to be patient with myself.  I'm trying to convince myself to do things that I have always liked...such as read the mountain of books I've collected.  I'm trying to convince myself to get back into the habit of cooking meals.  And, I'm trying to convince myself (not very successfully) that it wouldn't be a bad idea to clean our house.  But I also know that the upcoming months are going to be rough, and that some days making it to work, or moving from the bed to the couch on a weekend might be about all I can manage.  For now, I'll go back to watching a little football, and maybe read a bit, as I continue to dream of the day when I'll be so busy I will MISS these days of being bored!