Exhaustion

There have been many times in my life when I have been exhausted. As a young child who wanted to stay up and play...as a middle school student after sleepovers with friends...as a high school student getting home in predawn hours from speech tournaments or marching band competitions (yes, I was a big time nerd in high school...well, and I still am!)...in college pulling nearly all-nighters to get assignments done that I'd procrastinated...as a new teacher trying to get my job figured out...as a newly pregnant mom trying to grow a tiny human...and, of course, as a new mom learning how to take care of that tiny human. Exhaustion is nothing new.

But then there's the exhaustion that comes along with grief. This is different than any other exhaustion I've experienced. It's complete and total exhaustion...complete mental, physical and emotional exhaustion. It's an exhaustion that takes everything I have just to go through the motions. I have to make myself focus on work...when I get home I have to remind myself that I am hungry so it would be beneficial to make something for dinner. It takes energy just to convince myself to get off the couch and get groceries or do laundry. I have been able to do all of these things, but it takes intentional thinking and motivation. It's more than just going through the motions, as I have to first convince myself to go through the motions, and then I actually do it. And it's an exhaustion so complete that I'm wiped out and ready for bed by about 7:00 every evening, though I usually force myself to remain out of bed until at least 8:00.

In some ways, I have to count my blessings. I can't imagine being this exhausted and still trying to parent. I am thankful that I can be selfish and take care of myself in whatever way I need. I am grateful to have a husband that understands, and doesn't push me to do more than I feel able to do. (There have been several instances where we had social plans, and I backed out with nothing more than understanding from Tim.) I am thankful that my schedule has been pretty quiet so that I can be lazy most evenings and weekends. And I'm thankful for my fur babies who are more than happy to keep my lazy butt company! One day we'll once again have different reasons to be exhausted, and I look forward to those days.