The Little Engine that Could...n't

Tim and I had a conversation earlier today...we're both having a tough time lately, and it's really starting to wear on us.  Like our little engines that could have run out of gas...or that our little engines that could no longer care to make it up the hill (I may have used slightly more vulgar language than that)...or our little engines that could keep getting close to the top of the hill and realizing how far away the top really is.

We have tried for so long to be strong...positive...hopeful.  We thought that by focusing on the good in our lives we would have an easier time moving on.  And that has definitely been true to some extent.  We have had some very positive experiences, and created some very positive experiences as we have worked through our grief.  We are proud of the ways we have found to honor our boys, and our littlest baby as well.

But maybe we need to wallow in the grief from time to time.  Maybe there are times we need to let ourselves feel weak...let ourselves cry...let ourselves feel lost.  Perhaps by focusing almost exclusively on the positives, we are doing ourselves a disservice...and actually cheating ourselves out of some of the grieving.  Because yes, we should be grieving our latest loss, but I feel as though I'm at a lower point than with any of our previous losses.  That tells me that I'm not processing things, that I am pushing things down, and that this new loss is bringing much of that back up.

I'm not sure how exactly to go about processing all the icky stuff, but I know we have to try.  Luckily for me, I have a summer break coming up.  Unfortunately for Tim, that just means a boatload of more work for him.  Although right now we feel like our little engines just can't do it anymore, I know we'll get back on track.  But to do that, we have to be patient and gentle with ourselves. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers are we negotiate this new twist in our journey.