Feeling the Love

The news we received this week has been hard...kind of like a kick in the gut or a punch in the face (not that I know what either of those actually feel like...I just imagine that's what this feels like!)  We had been hoping and praying that this baby would be born healthy in December, and that she would bring joy to our family.  It's true that she didn't grow very big, and it's true that I won't have to go through childbirth.  It's also true that we won't get to hold her, or see her, or know her.  And that's what makes miscarriage hard.  Losing a child at any stage...early or late pregnancy, stillbirth, infant loss, child loss, adult child loss...it's hard and terrible and devastating.  And because we are losing a child (yes, a tiny one, but a child to us nonetheless), we are allowed to be sad, and cranky, and a little down in the dumps.  That's certainly where I've been living the last couple days.  That's okay.

But it's also okay for me to smile, and to laugh, and to go on with life.  Last night at our support group meeting, we had some laughs.  Sure, we had some tears too, but it was nice to be able to laugh with a group of people who truly understand.  This morning, I found myself in tears, because I didn't like any of my clothing options.  Seriously...am I two years old??  So I left for work, wiping the tears, pouting and sulking because this life just doesn't seem fair.  Which it isn't...but we've been told since we were little that life isn't fair.  It's how you respond to it that makes the difference.  And I have some amazing people that help me respond to this unfair life a little bit more...positively.  I walked in from morning duty (after yelling at student after student because I was...well...cranky) to a Starbucks treat left by an anonymous coworker.  That put a smile on my face.  Then one of my students came in with an adorable travel coffee mug, and told me Happy Mother's Day.  Smile, and a few tears after she left (happy tears...tears that I AM a mother, and that others see me as a mother.)

So sure, I'm sad...and yes, that's okay.  But yes, I'm also smiling...and that too is okay.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again.  It's the simple things that make someone's day.  A smile...a hug...a "how are you doing?" that you truly mean.  And we have the best people around us for that.  I have people that will let me talk about icky things like death, miscarriage, grief, and they don't even give me weird awkward looks.  I want everyone to know, that no matter how happy or sad I'm feeling on any given day, I do not take that support for granted.  Thank you for letting me be sad, and thank you for helping me to pick myself back up.  <3