Empty...or Full?

We are coming up upon another Thanksgiving...a Thanksgiving with several seats empty at the table.  In a season of gratitude, sometimes what we're missing looms so much larger than what we have.  I miss having my mom around at Thanksgiving...and having her let my cousin and me be "in charge" of Thanksgiving dinner (as she and my aunt are hovering nearby, just in case).  I miss all the goodies she set out as dinner was being prepared, so many so we weren't even all that hungry by the time the turkey was ready.  But we filled our plates and gorged ourselves anyway!  I haven't ever had my children at the Thanksgiving table, but I miss their presence.  I want to spend so much time preparing their plates that my food gets cold on mine.  I want to plan Thanksgiving dinner time around nap time, hoping they would actually take a nap with so much activity going on.  I miss my grandma, and her crazy Thanksgiving antics...too many to list!  But I miss that feeling of anticipation, knowing we were going to spend almost a whole day with her, our aunt, uncle and cousins (with, perhaps, a game of not-to-be-named-on-the-Internet tag).

It's easy to feel this emptiness, especially around the holidays.  You see other families...seemingly complete and happy families...and you miss those people in your life.  It would even be easy to feel only this emptiness, and sadness.  But if I were to do that, I'd be missing all of the fullness of my life.  Although I have much to miss, I also have much to be grateful for.  I have my dad and my sister, who are always so good at letting me know they're thinking of me (and for whom I'm always thinking...but not as good at letting them know that!)  I have my in-laws, who have been absolutely amazing especially this month...letting Tim and me take the time we need, but also there when we want to be around others.  I have my "bonus" siblings and parents...cousins and aunts and uncles, with whom it can feel like no time has passed when we get together.  I have the MOST amazing coworkers, who let me know every day how much we are loved, and who get me through the days when I feel like I can't make it.  I have my three fur-babies, who sometimes make me crazy, but then one snuggle can make all the hurt disappear for a few moments at least.  And, most importantly, I have my amazing husband.  There were many years in my life when I was sure I was destined to be single...I even had my crazy cat lady persona all planned out.  Then I met Tim, and I just knew it was right...he was the person I had been waiting for...the man who would carry me through these turbulent years even as he processes his own grief.

I still don't know what tomorrow will bring...what emotions I will feel...whether I will choose to be a hermit, or choose to join our family in a Thanksgiving celebration, or whether I will be somewhere in the middle.  Which is another thing I am thankful for...the grace I've been given to make that choice...to do what I need to do for me.  No matter what tomorrow brings, I will miss those that are missing from our holiday...but I will also be thankful for all those that fill my life with love, joy, and laughter.