Things I Miss Most...

You might expect that the things I miss most are the giggles...the snuggles...the smiles...the hugs.  And I certainly do miss those things.  But there are some things I miss even more, as these days stretch on.

I miss being nauseous, and having no appetite.  I miss the total exhaustion of the first trimester.  It meant that I was pregnant, and that my baby was in there and growing.

I miss being on bedrest, worrying about every little twitch and pain.  I miss the restlessness and the loneliness of being stuck in the house all day, with my main social interaction with my husband and my doctors.  It meant that my baby was developing and safe.

I miss being exhausted in the morning after being up with Henry throughout the night.  I miss being able to soothe him, and rock him back to sleep.  I miss the satisfaction of gently laying him back in his crib, and watching him rustle and get comfortable, without waking up.  It meant I could soothe my baby.

I miss my house being dirty, because I was busy taking care of an infant.  I  miss sitting with Henry on the couch, seeing the layer of dust on the coffee table, and not even caring too much about it.  It meant I had someone else to take care of.

I miss having to change after already getting dressed for the day because Henry spit up on me.  I miss cleaning spit-up out of the car seat and the car upholstery.  It meant that my baby was eating and growing.

I miss losing sleep, trying to doze in a hospital recliner, to the sound of beeps and nurse's footsteps.  I miss the anxiety of wondering what each new day would bring.  It meant my child was still fighting.

We complain about so many day-to-day things...cleaning, making dinner, paying bills, running errands.  I am guilty of this too.  We take for granted the fact that we are alive...that cleaning means we have a house to live in, making dinner means we have enough money to eat, paying bills means that we have a job that covers those expenses (most of the time), and running errands means we have a life to live.  I didn't take a second of Henry's life for granted.  I honestly appreciated the middle-of-the-night snuggles, the spit up, the dirty house, even the hospital stay.  All of that meant that I was a mom, and that my main job in life was to take care of Henry.  I miss all of that.  As I continue to struggle with that hole in my life, I am working on enjoying the day-to-day things that I typically complain about or take for granted.  Things can ALWAYS be worse, and I don't want to meet my maker wishing I had appreciated and enjoyed my life more.  When I once again hold Henry in my arms, I want to know that I made the most of my life, whatever my life may bring.