The more things change...

As the old saying goes, the more things change the more things stay the same.  I feel a bit like that's the cycle I'm in now.  At the beginning of the summer, I felt anxious and worried...wondering how I was going to fill my minutes, my hours, and my days.  I wasn't sure how to simply "be," and I worried that memories of what I was doing last summer would haunt me and make me sad.  However, I feel as though I've done pretty well this summer.  It took a few days to feel comfortable in my summer freedom, but then I settled in.  I've gotten some projects done, gotten some things organized for the new school year, read some books, and watched (a rather embarrassing number of) some TV shows.  Of course, I often thought of Henry, and what we were doing together last summer (which consisted mainly of snuggling, napping, and watching TV.)  But I found myself able to reminisce and be productive and enjoy my time all at the same time.

Now, as summer winds down, I again find myself anxious and worried...wondering how I am going to be able to be a productive employee, how I am going to fill those minutes, hours, and days of the work week, how I am going to function socially on a daily basis.  And now, the memories of Henry seem to be crowding in more, taking more of my attention.  For instance, on this day last year I dropped Henry off for a trial run at daycare.  I remember dropping him off at Carrie's, driving away (without crying, even!) and going to school for a few hours.  I remember that I got a few things done, but that the whole morning I was looking forward to picking Henry up.  It's not just the memories of Henry that crowd my thoughts, but also the wonderings and what-ifs.  What if Henry were here now?  How would I be feeling about the end of summer?  Would I be ready to get back to a routine?  Would I be exhausted from keeping up with a 1-year-old all summer?  Or would I be dreading giving up that time with Henry?  I think about the things we had planned for this summer...trips to the zoo and the park, visiting splash pads, stopping by Daddy's office and the library...and then I dread the, "How was your summer?" conversation that dominates the first few days back to school.  I had a good summer, but it wasn't the summer I dreamed of.  I also try to picture how I would get into a routine of getting myself and a 1-year-old ready for the day.  We had it down with an infant last year, and I try to picture how it would look now.

It's so strange to me the path this last year has taken.  And that although I've returned to work since losing Henry I still dread the beginning of the year.  Once again, it's just so different than what I pictured at the beginning of last year.  It's strange that Henry will always be an infant.  We can ponder what he would be up to, what he would look like, and what his personality would be, but we will never know.  Thankfully, infant Henry was such a sweetheart, and is such a joy to remember!  And this year, as I reluctantly return to the world of a working adult, I have his pictures on my computer, on my desk, in my window, even on my file cabinet.  Hopefully his sweet smile will help me to smile through the good days as well as the tough days.