Before and After

Some events in our lives divide our life into before and after. These events can be happy or sad, tragic or exciting, but they change us in some way. We can never return to the person we were before once such an event happens.

Henry's diagnosis with leukemia and his death was such an event in my life. I'd known tragedy and sadness before his diagnosis...losing Brady, losing my mom. I'd known happiness and joy...graduating college, starting a career, getting married. Even though before Henry's diagnosis I truly believed we had survived the worst, I was still a bit of a pessimist. I tended to see more negative in situations than the positive.

Before losing Henry, I was happy. I thought life had finally settled into a groove for our little family. I still, however, got easily annoyed at insignificant things. And I felt that maybe I was "owed" happiness by the universe. I thought it was our turn for good things, and when things weren't good I felt we were getting cheated.

Ironically enough, I think I've become a much more optimistic and positive person since Henry's diagnosis and death. Part of this may be a survival tactic. If I focused only on the sadness and the emptiness, I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning. I no longer believe that we've been through the worst thing that could happen. I believe we've been through some terrible times, but it can always get worse. I could be on my own going through this, or have an absent or distant husband. My family could leave me on my own to heal. My coworkers could roll their eyes every time I mention Henry's name. I no longer feel that I'm "owed" happiness, but rather I am working on making my own happiness. I am learning the art of meditation and visualization. I keep a gratitude journal and add to it daily. I do things I enjoy, like reading, binge-watching series on Netflix, craft projects. Although at first I had to force myself to do these things and they brought little joy, I now find myself actually enjoying them again.

I am a changed person and I can't go back to who I was before losing Henry. But I can't dwell in the past, and I can't foretell what the future holds. However, I am responsible for my own present. So with the support of my husband, family, friends and community, and the work I'm putting in, I am enjoying my present and holding hope for my future. And, perhaps, I'm even becoming a bit of a better version of the self I was before.