Funk

I've been in a bit of a funk the last few days. I'm not entirely sure why...probably a combination of things. Summer is winding down quickly, and like every year, I have so much more I want to get done than time in which to do it. My stack of books to read is still towering, my list on Netflix is long, and I have projects pinned that I haven't even started. Then I worry about the start of school for other reasons as well...will I be able to be fully "present" in my work as I get started this year? How will I go about interacting with staff and students who didn't know me last year and didn't know Henry? It's another beginning that is completely different than I expected less than a year ago. And will the ones who did know be tired of hearing my story?

Then today is the 2nd anniversary of what was supposed to be Brady's due date.  I remember this day two years ago, and how sad and devastated I felt.  I remember receiving some formula samples in the mail that day, and cursing the company for not somehow just knowing that we had lost the baby we were so excited to meet. I remember this day last year, and taking Henry to the cemetery to visit his older brother. Sometimes it still blows my mind to think of all that has happened in just a couple years' time. Last year, visiting Brady was still hard, but having Henry made it more bearable.  I knew that if we hadn't lost Brady, we wouldn't have had Henry. The timing just would not have made sense. (Having Brady in July, I highly doubt we would have been pregnant again in mid-August with Henry!) So although I missed Brady, I couldn't exactly wish that he were here...I could wish we hadn't lost him, but I also had to thank him for showing us what we needed to know to get Henry here safely.

Time shows us things...I can now understand some of the reasons for losing Brady, as that brought us Henry. I don't yet understand Henry's loss, or any of the reasons for that. I miss my boys fiercely every day, and being in a "funk" makes the wounds on my heart a bit more raw. I will try to enjoy my remaining days of "freedom," knowing that my boys wouldn't want me to always feel sad. I will continue to take care of myself, enjoy my present and hope for our future.

(I took this picture on Brady's due date. The gown is one that is donated by a lady who makes them out of wedding dresses. That was just one of the items in the memory box put together by the hospital. We treasure that memory box...it has his hand and foot molds and prints, booties, a blanket, a preemie diaper which actually would have been gigantic on him, and other physical things to help us remember Brady. We were able to donate $1000 to the foundation that funds the memory boxes, and now parents who get one have a tag inside that says "Donated in memory of Brady Leland Seretta.")