Why Me?

My current read is Every Day I Fight by Stuart Scott.  Stuart Scott first caught my attention with this quote, which I believe came from his acceptance speech at the ESPY's..."When you die, it does not mean you lose to cancer.  You beat cancer by how you live, and the manner in which you live.  So live.  Live.  Fight like hell, and when you get too tired to fight, then lay down and rest and let somebody else fight for you."  This hit home for me, as I always hate to think of people like my mom, my friend Jill, or Henry "losing" to cancer.  In this mindset, they all won...they lived their lives, however long or short, they loved, they enjoyed, they put their heart into living.  So I figured I might find some inspiration in his book.

I'm not too far into it...maybe chapter 3 or 4, and I've already found parts that truly speak to me.  This morning, the part that I read talked about asking why me?  This is what Stuart Scott had to say on the matter, "I hadn't allowed myself a single Why me? moment.  Because, if I start asking Why me as it relates to cancer, I'd have to start asking Why me? as it relates to all my good fortune:  Why was I able to do this job I love?  Why was I blessed with Sydni and Taelor and such a great family?  Once you start questioning the bad stuff that comes your way, you have to start questioning the good - and I wouldn't trade the good for anything," (p 25).

Tim and I have had our moments, when we ask Why us?  Why was our honeymoon period a short two weeks?  Why could we not bring Brady home?  Why did we lose my mom?  Why was it so difficult to get Henry here safely, only to lose him short months later?  Why were we "chosen" to carry so much pain and grief?  However, these moments are pretty few and far between.  Perhaps it is because we have so much good fortune that we DON'T want to start questioning.  Why did we find each other and know so quickly that we were meant to be together?  Why did we get to spend months anticipating Brady's arrival...hearing his heartbeat...feeling his movements (for me, at least)?  Why did Tim and my mom connect so quickly?  Why have we both found jobs that we truly enjoy, and colleagues that support us unconditionally?  Why do we have family surrounding us with love and support, requiring nothing in return?  Why have we been blessed with three crazy and lovable fur babies?  Why were we so fortunate to find and buy the perfect house, that we can grow into?  These "why" questions are just as unanswerable as the bad ones.  Sure, we worked hard to get where we are in our careers.  Yes, we both had our share of not as good relationships before finding each other.  Sadly, part of the reason that we got the house we had is thanks to Henry.  But that only gives us a piece of the answer.  The rest of the answer is as unknowable as the answer to any of the Why us? questions.

Does this mean that I never wonder Why us?  Of course not.  It just means that most of the time I would prefer to be grateful for what I have, while still grieving what I have lost.  It keeps me from going completely crazy...it keeps my feet on the ground...and it keeps me moving forward.