Fear

According to my ever faithful Timehop...two years ago was my first full day on bedrest.  I remember the emotions of the day before vividly.  It was supposed to be just my normal weekly check and shot, and Tim was busy at work so I went by myself.  Everything had been looking great the week before, so we weren't worried.  Once the doctor came in, he looked at the ultrasound and told me I wouldn't be going to work anymore.  After that, I think I was in shock.  I nodded along with all of the things that he told me, but my mind was blank.  It felt like a bad dream...about the same time in the pregnancy we had lost Brady, and now my body was showing signs of doing the same thing.  I took my doctor's letter (that I knew I'd need for HR), and got into my car to drive home.  I was shaking, anxious, scared, sad...all of the feelings I didn't have walking in that day.  I took care of business...calling Tim, and my secretary and principal, but the rest of that night is a blur.  I was terrified that something was going to happen to Henry, and I wasn't sure I could handle that.

Fear is a funny thing.  It changes shape, and at times can fade away, but I don't think it ever really disappears.  Our fears change tremendously throughout our lives.  When I was younger, I remember a span of time that I was terrified to get into the car because I was sure we'd be in an accident (and I have NO idea where that fear came from, but I remember it!)  Then there was another period of time I refused to walk by my window at night because some creature might reach in and grab me.  As I went through high school I started worrying about college, afraid I wouldn't be able to afford it.  And then in college, being afraid I'd never actually finish (which I did...after six and a half years...)  Then, of course, the fears of finding a job...one that you like and that pays the bills.  And I remember being afraid I'd never find someone that I could spend this crazy life with.

I now know that I can make it through tough times...even losing another child.  Yet I still have fears...everyone does.  I'm afraid of trying to find my purpose in my current life, as a childless mother.   I'm afraid of not getting pregnant...and how I will continue to deal with that if it takes months and months...or more.  I'm also afraid of GETTING pregnant, and then trying to get a baby to term before he or she is born.  I'm afraid of losing the people I love...I'm afraid I don't make enough time for these people while we have it.  But I try not to live in fear.  I try to keep these fears at bay, and to do that I focus on what I DO have, and what I am grateful for.  It doesn't make the fear disappear, but it makes it manageable, bearable.  As we move into Christmas and New Year's, I will continue to try to focus on the good...hope for the dreams we have to come true (sooner perhaps rather than later)...and ENJOY the time we have with the people we love.