A Not-So-Beautiful Mess

I think perhaps I'm struggling...  Last night, I got irrationally angry with Tim because he was a few minutes later leaving the gym than I thought he would be.  I didn't just get irritated...I was angry, almost furious.  And even though in my head I knew that I was being ridiculous and irrational, I just couldn't quite get myself together.  Then this morning I woke up, still feeling a little cranky from my (irrational) anger last night, and I ended up full-out sobbing because I didn't like how my hair ended up.  That's right...I was sobbing because of a perceived bad-hair day...because I couldn't get my headband to sit nicely in my hair, even though it looked absolutely fine.  Again, in my head I knew I was being ridiculous, but there was nothing I could do to stop the frustration.

I'm pretty sure all of this emotion is from pent-up emotion...anger...sadness...grief.  In fact, I know that's what it is.  I thought I had been doing pretty well.  We made it through November, including Henry's angelversary and Thanksgiving.  We had the energy and spirit to put up a small tree, to hang stockings, and to set out a few other decorations.  I found myself listening to Christmas music in the car as I drive around.  I've made it to the last week of work before a two-week break (which of course will go way too fast.)  Unfortunately, all of that is just on the surface.  On the surface, I'm doing pretty well.  But underneath that smooth surface, I'm a mess.  I see pictures of kids with Santa, and my stomach drops.  I hear about everyone's happy holiday celebration plans, and inside I scowl.  I've been searching all over town (as has my sister in her respective area) for red and green gumdrops like my mom always had at Christmas, and I get angrier with each store that doesn't have them.  I think about our upcoming holiday plans, and I get an anxious pit in my stomach.  I've avoided one holiday celebration already, and I feel guilty.  Last Christmas, we avoided everything holiday related.  This year, I'm trying, but I'm afraid at some point (like last night and this morning) I'm just going to lose it.

I've never been one to wear my emotions on my sleeve.  Even when Henry was in the hospital, we would get tough news, and I would wait until I was in the bathroom by myself to cry...even though it was absolutely appropriate for me to cry, and knowing that no one would judge me for my emotions.  Now the problem is I don't know how to let these emotions out...until they build up to a point where I have no choice.  Unfortunately, Tim usually bears the brunt of this build up.  So if you see me or ask how I'm doing, and I suddenly burst into tears, don't be alarmed.  Or if I get angry over something trivial, know that my anger is not actually at that trivial thing.  And if you see Tim, give him a big hug and a smile, knowing he puts up with all of my crazy mood swings with nothing but love and a smile. 

(And pardon the crazy get-up...it's spirit week at school...)