As I got older, Christmas was time I got at home...a break from college and studying...time to hang out with my family. Christmas was still (until just a few years ago) waking up early on Christmas morning with Jamie...stockings...and trying to get Mom and Dad AND Trent out of bed to open presents. As we moved out of college and into adulting, Christmas became the sacred time of year when the whole family got to be together. And as I got engaged, married, and pregnant, Christmas was a time of dreaming up traditions to start with our own kids.
To be honest, Christmas this year is hard. It's even harder than it was last year, for me at least. Last year, I was in a fog...numb almost...and I ignored everything Christmas. So in a way, this year is my first Christmas without Henry. And it's another Christmas without Brady and my mom. I wish we had a tiny toddler running around...that we had to place the Christmas tree and its ornaments strategically not because of the dogs, but because of the kid! I wish we visited Santa after Santa, trying to get that perfect picture. I wish we had a Christmas card mailed out...filled with pictures of our happy family. I wish we had to pack up half the house to travel to grandparents' houses for Christmas celebrations. I wish Tim and I were shopping for presents, and trying to decide what the perfect "Santa" present would be.
I've done the things all the articles suggest...I've taken care of me...I've given myself a "five-minute" rule where I can decide even five minutes before an event if I will attend or not - and my friends and family have been so graciously accepting of this...I've done things to honor the boys - put up their ornaments, and we'll get something to leave for them on their graves... But it's still hard. It's hard seeing families visiting Santa...it's hard seeing all of the elf pictures...it's hard seeing complete, happy families.
Yet I still have so much to be thankful for. I got to spend several days in Firth with my family all together. Jamie and I found treasures, shared laughs and memories. We found a new game that we all enjoyed. Dad cooked hearty and tasty meals that we enjoyed together. We had our morning coffee in the sunroom. And the family time isn't over! Tomorrow night we will gather with Tim's family, along with the Stowe's, where there will no doubt be some amazing food, but even more importantly some time we can all be together and just enjoy each others' company. And on Christmas, Tim and I will get some "date" time at a movie, we'll visit the boys, and we'll have some more quality time with his family complete with his mom's traditional Christmas lasagna (that tastes amazing and weighs about 80 pounds!!) We might play some games...games where we can be hilariously inappropriate and just have fun and laugh.
So it's true...Christmas this year isn't what I would have dreamed of a few years ago...but it isn't all bad. And, in the spirit of Christmas wishes, we can still hope and wish that next Christmas we will have that tiny little elf to fuss over, play with, and love. After all, what is Christmas without a little childlike spirit of innocent belief and hope??
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