Warning...rant ahead...

I usually try to be at least semi-positive, in my posts and in my life.  It's been an ongoing goal, and something I continue to push myself toward.  Some days, however, I just do not feel positive, or especially grateful, or even just okay.  And in the spirit of this blog, I feel it's important to be real and honest, and share not only the good, but also the bad.  So consider yourself fairly warned!  :)

This morning I am frustrated, disheartened, plain old pissed off, sad, bummed... We've gone another month without getting pregnant. I know, it will happen when we aren't thinking about it...when we aren't stressed about it...when we least expect it. It will happen when it is supposed to happen. I know there's a reason (though I don't know what the reason is) that we aren't pregnant yet. In my head, I know and understand all of these things.  Just like in my head I know and understand that there is A reason for Brady's and Henry's deaths...though I don't know that THE reason is.

Unfortunately, knowing these things in my head does nothing to fix my heart.  I know I'm a person outside of being a mom.  I know I can enjoy my life with kids or without kids.  I know there's a purpose in all of this.  But darn it, my heart still hurts.  My heart and arms still yearn for a baby to snuggle, soothe, and care for.  My heart yearns to see Tim make that baby smile (and vice versa!)  My heart wants our set-up nursery to be filled.  Heck, my heart even yearns to change poopy diapers!  My heart doesn't understand that there's a reason for waiting...my heart doesn't understand that it will happen when it is supposed to happen...today my heart just hurts.

I also know that people mean well when they tell you that things will happen when they are supposed to happen...or that we will have a baby when we least expect it.  They are trying to make us feel better...to lower our stress.  But from a woman trying and struggling to conceive, when you hear of someone having troubles getting pregnant, don't tell them these things.  Tell them, "Oh, goodness, that must be tough!"  Or, "Please feel like you can talk to me...I would be happy to simply listen."  Or, "We're thinking of you and praying for you."  Or even just give them a smile or a hug.  Because, most likely, they know all of those things we normally say are true.  But sometimes, when a couple trying to conceive hears these platitudes, it gets them down on themselves...makes them feel as though what they're feeling must be wrong...makes them feel as though they're being selfish or self-involved...

Tomorrow will be better...I know that.  And despite the struggles, we will keep dreaming of filling that nursery, snuggling that baby, and even changing those poopy diapers.