Underlying Emotion

On the surface, I've been feeling okay lately.  The start of a new school year is looming, just a few days away, and I'm not even actively dreading it.  I feel like I've taken full advantage of my summer freedom...I've taken a few trips, done several projects, watched a LOT of series on Netflix, read a bunch of books...  I've also taken advantage of my relatively responsibility-free summer to prepare for the upcoming school year.  I have my library objectives for each grade level plotted out for the year, and I have the first several weeks of lessons planned.  This is quite a change for me, as I'm usually making my first-day lesson plans at about 8:00 on the day before the first day.  So, on the surface, things are good.

However, I'm pretty sure I have some unresolved emotions underlying the "good" surface.  Over the past couple of days, I've had mini- and full-blown meltdowns over inconsequential things.  Yesterday, when Charlie peed on the bed, I got overly angry.  (To be fair, I should have been a bit angry at him...he did it while looking at us!)  But that altered my plans of getting other things done, and I couldn't quite get myself sorted out after that.  And today, when Tim asked me a question about mounting a projector in my library, I ended up in tears.  I thought that all of my preparation over the summer was going to be for naught, and instead of thinking things through and coming up with a reasonable solution (which I eventually did) I broke down and cried.

In both of these instances, once I gave myself room to breathe, I realized that I am okay.  But it has reminded me that although I have worked hard and made progress, my grief journey is far from over.  There will be days when, for little or no reason, I burst into tears.  There will be days when something little sends me into a rage.  What I have to remember on these days is to breathe, and give myself permission to break down.  I would imagine that I will have more of these moments in the coming weeks, as the beginning of the school year is exhausting all on its own!  But the beginning of the year also brings anticipation, excitement, and a fresh start.  So I will continue to seek out the positive, allow myself to feel all the emotions I'm feeling, give myself space to breathe, and live and enjoy my life as it is now (while also enjoying memories like this one from one year ago...)