Deep Dark Places

I have been working hard to see the positive, and find the good in my life and the world.  Overall, I think I've been doing a pretty good job.  Like this morning, I was cranky heading off to work...not really wanting to go.  Yet, as I stood outside (in the lightning, thunder, and rain) and greeted the kiddos and helped them out of their cars, I couldn't help but smile at each, "Good morning," "Thank you," and smile I got.  This turned my day around, and I found myself enjoying my classes, having fun being back in the swing of teaching.

However, I do still have my dark moments.  These are not moments I'm proud of, and I even hesitate to share.  But I started this blog as a way to let people inside...to put myself out there...and to deal with all of the emotions that go along with my recent life experiences.  Most of my dark moments lately deal with pregnancies and babies...and our lack thereof.  Tim and I have been trying for several months now to get pregnant, and obviously have not yet been successful.  The first couple of months we tried, I obsessed every day.  I obsessed over which days we needed to try.  I obsessed over when I could take a test, and I counted the days, hours and minutes until I could do so.  I analyzed every feeling...was my exhaustion because I was pregnant?!  Was that cramp the start of a baby?!  This took over my life for a couple months.  Then I realized that I could not live like that.  That's when I really tried to focus on what I DO have in my life that makes me happy...my husband, my fur babies, my family, my friends, my job.  And that helped tremendously.  Now I don't obsess all month long.  Yet each month when that stick shows just one line, I feel let down.  And then I read about others having babies, getting pregnant...even people who already have a child or more at home...and I start to go to the dark place.  Why do all of these people have what I so badly want?  Why can't it be me waddling down the hall?  Why can't I be the one who is a walking zombie, getting no sleep at night? 

The thing is we never know.  We never know what people have gone through to become parents, what losses or struggles a new mother has suffered, or what challenges they may face in the days to come.  Just because a couple has become pregnant doesn't mean the road ahead is easy.  Just because someone has kids at home and brings home a new baby doesn't mean they have the easy road.  And I have to remember there are many people who wish they could have what I already have. 

Everyone has deep dark places...but the trick is not to reside there, but rather visit briefly and then move on.  When I get to the dark place I let myself feel sad, and I let myself cry.  And then I let myself be happy and feel joy.  Although sometimes it's hard to imagine, God has a plan for us, and we have to be patient and know that everything happens in time and for a reason.  In the meantime, I lean on my husband (thankfully he has strong shoulders and comforting arms), snuggle my fur babies, and remember my angel babies.