This seems to be my life lately. Wednesday after our doctor's appointment I was fighting to stay afloat. The questions floating through my head included, "Why us?" and, "When will we get the easy path?" I was sad, frustrated, and even a little angry. It didn't matter so much that the baby was still there, that her (everyone assumes it's a girl...I have no opinion one way or the other, but I'll go with it for now!) heart was beating. It didn't matter that I haven't had any physical signs of her distress. All that mattered was that she hasn't been progressing "normally." (Which to be fair, who among us can claim to be "normal" anyway??)
Then yesterday, I felt so much better. We had so much positive feedback from sharing our news...prayers and support coming in from all over the country. It's hard to feel lost at sea when you have that much love and support surrounding you. Plus, I decided that if the doctor could be "cautiously optimistic," then so could I. We've had many people tell us they were in a similar situation and now have a healthy child. Over the past few years, we've tended to end on the unlikely end of statistics, so what's to say we won't do the same now, just with a positive outcome? And, if this pregnancy does end in miscarriage, I know that we are strong enough to make it through. (Not that I WANT to be that strong, but I know we are.)
That brings us to today...when I got up on the wrong side of the bed...when I'm feeling unusually cranky...when I got in my car in tears because I didn't feel I could adult today. I'm not even specifically worried about the baby. I feel just the same physically as I did yesterday, last week, and at the beginning of the month. I think it's just the toll of so many emotions, so many waves of worry and stress, that is finally getting to me.
Luckily (for me and everyone around me!) it's Friday. And thankfully, I have a quiet weekend ahead of me. I have a stack of new books from school that I can work on reading, while snuggling my puppies, in my cozy sunroom. I can stay in my pajamas all day if I want, and there really are minimal adult tasks I will need to complete. If I really don't feel like dealing with people, I can even order my groceries online. Of course, it's also entirely possible that I will wake up on the RIGHT side of the bed tomorrow and feel okay once again. Either way, I just have to get through this one day, and then I can take care of me for a couple days.
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