Graves

Growing up, I didn't visit the cemetery very often.  In fact, mostly what I did was ride my bike past it...up cemetery hill...what seemed like the biggest and longest hill when you were on your bike at the bottom going up, and what seemed like the fastest and most fun hill when you were at the top headed down.  I didn't experience a lot of death throughout my childhood...my grandparents on my mom's side died when I was too young to remember, and the same with my mom's younger sister.  I do remember my grandpa on my dad's side dying when I was maybe 8.  But other than that, I didn't have to deal with death until I was an adult.  And even then, I rarely visited the cemetery.  Until my uncle died, and we buried him near my grandpa's grave, I probably couldn't have even found my grandpa's grave.  I knew my aunt was buried in our town's cemetery, by a tree maybe, but until we buried my mom there I probably couldn't have found her grave either.

Now I have my two babies at the cemetery too.  I visit them at the cemetery, especially on their birthdays, angelversaries, and other holidays.  Once in awhile, especially in the spring and fall, I'll drive over to read a book to them.  Other times, when we are out and about, we will just swing by to say hi.  For me, though, I don't feel any significant connection to my boys by visiting their graves.  Their gravesites are important to me because it gives them a place on earth that we could leave their names.  But beyond that, I don't feel much connection.  I feel more connection by walking in to the nursery and sitting in the rocking chair.  I feel more connection having dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings or Brewsky's and imagining Henry gazing at all of the TVs.  I feel more connection sitting in the living room, seeing the MamaRoo and thinking of Henry twisting himself around so he could "watch" TV.  I feel more connection walking in to work, and remembering the days when we had "door" duty, which was when Brady was especially active.  For Tim, though, I know that he feels more connected to the boys when we visit their graves...more connected than I do anyway.  And that's okay, too.

That's an important thing about grief...it's different for everyone.  Even for Tim and myself, who lost the same two children, we deal with our grief in different ways.  Visiting the cemetery brings Tim some peace, while sitting in the nursery brings me some peace.  Neither way is right or wrong...both ways are what works for us.  I visit the cemetery with Tim, and he will sit in the nursery with me.  We support each other, and we have never judged each other's grief.  Although we have suffered the "same" loss, we suffer it differently, as we both had our own unique relationships with our boys.  The support we provide for each other, and the understanding that we can grieve differently, is part of what has helped us to strengthen our relationship even through such tragedy.