Holy Anxiety

Like so many people, I have had my share of mental health issues throughout my life so far.  I have struggled with depression (as diagnosed anyway) since graduating high school.  I have treated this through therapy, medication, journaling...  In our society, I should be ashamed to admit all of this...I should hide it, pretend I'm perfectly mentally sound...but I'm not.  And I'm all about being real.  And honestly...who among us is 100% mentally sound on a day-to-day basis anyway??

Lately, especially since losing Henry, I've found myself struggling with anxiety as well.  I suppose I've always been a bit on the anxious side.  I like to know what's coming...I like to know what to expect...I like to have down time.  Those things have become even more important now.  For example, I had to be social nearly all day last Saturday at the blood drive, and that was okay.  We've done it before, I knew what to expect, I knew what was coming.  I knew I'd have some time on Sunday to recuperate and reenergize.  Today was the opposite.  I was headed out the door to a technology conference, one I've attended several times in the past.  But today I was anxious...in fact there were even a few tears.  I haven't been to the conference since it's been moved...I didn't know who I knew that was going...I didn't know the set-up...there were a lot of unknowns.  I had to drive myself downtown...find parking...find my way around the convention...all on my own.  I was anxious, nervous, and even a little scared.

In my mind, it all seems so ridiculous.  I'm a grown-a** woman.  I have established myself in my own career.  I have birthed (and buried) two children.  I'm a homeowner.  (Well, the bank is a homeowner, but my name is on the bank's paperwork as the homeowner.)  I have handled so many crazy things in my life that it seems silly to worry about finding my way around a conference.  But then again, maybe that's the problem...I have had to handle so many things (in a pretty short amount of time, relatively speaking) that my ability to deal with unknowns is pretty well tapped out.  And that's why these little things make me so anxious.

The good thing, I suppose, is that I didn't turn around and go back inside my house and hide.  I got my butt out the door, I drove myself downtown, I found my way around the conference (so far, at least!) and I found people I know.  I did it.  Just as I haven't let depression control my life, but instead have learned how to control the depression, I won't let anxiety control my life.  And hopefully, over time, these unknowns, these new situations, will no longer cause such anxiety.